UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Thursday, April 03, 2014

Submission Exercises - When Sick

People get sick, it just happens. It's been a bad winter for the Duke and I, he's missed more time in the past there months from being sick, than he probably has in the last three years. He's had three sick days. I missed a few days myself. We just kept getting colds and flus. :( And in that time, things did not always flow as normally as they did. Roles weren't always as balanced, and it wasn't always easy to find ways to help.

So over some time, here are ideas I thought might help us out the next time we face being sick. Since people liked the last set of Submission Exercises I posted here, I thought I'd share these with you as well. I just picked five of the best for each section. I put down ideas both can do if he is sick, and then ideas for both if she is sick. Hope a few ideas will help in the future if you find one of you sick. And if none of the ideas work, that's okay. You'll find your own ways to work things out over time. :)

If he is sick:
He can:
1. Admit when there are chores you can’t do. Ask her to step in and do them for you.
2. Thank her for being good, even while you are sick. Let her know it means a lot to you that you can trust her to not take advantage of the situation. Remind her you are still there for her.
3. If she goes in to work, tell her that you want her to check in on you during her breaks and after work.
4. Honestly listen to her concerns if she thinks you should take meds or should see a doctor. Remind her that the final decision is still yours.
5. If she needs a punishment or maintenance, let her know if you plan to do it when you are better or not. You could get her to write an essay, do corner time, or what have you in the mean time.
She can:
1. Bring him something you know would make him feel good. Meals, drinks, book to read, remote to the tv.  If he's lonely, offer to sit with him.
2. Offer to run him a bath.
3. Try to cut out all distractions or interruptions if he needs to rest.
4. Get him any meds he needs, remember or write down times so that he doesn't have to worry about remembering.
5. Some men find it very hard to be sick in bed. Thank him for all that he does for you, and that now, you just want to take care of him for a bit.

If she is sick:
He can:
1. Tell her to stay in bed for the day if needed, and not to worry about housework. Give her an earlier bedtime to ensure she gets enough rest. Take all devices away for an hour or two to get her to take a nap to get more rest if needed.
2. Bring her food, tell her how much of it you expect her to eat, knowing that if she doesn’t eat enough, she will not keep up her strength.
3. If she goes to work while sick, give her instructions on how you want her to spend her breaks, and what to do as soon as work is done.
4. If you have gone into work, tell her that unless she is napping, you want emailed updates every hour or two to hear how she is doing. Use these to see if you should tell her to take meds, rest, or what have you.
5. Use your judgement on when she should see a doctor or take medicine.
She can:
1. Admit to him when you need help.
2. Make sure you do not complain repeatedly over the things you are not getting done. It can all wait until later. If he does something for you, don’t complain about it not being done the way you would have done it.
3. Listen to him when he tells you that you need to slow down or rest.
4. When we are sick, we tend to revert to old habits. Shorter tempers, quicker judgements, list of commands, nasty words. Do your best to keep these under wraps.
5. Thank him for the things that he does for you. Share with him briefly how much it means to you that you can depend on him, especially when you are sick.

Not sure any will help any of you out there, but if they will, wanted to share.
Have a great night and weekend everyone. :)


The Duke's Deductions:
Thank you very much EsMay for posting this list. I have to say that when I first heard about this topic of how to practice DD when you are sick, my first thought was that even if you are not feeling well you should try to keep at least some of the structure of DD present in the marriage. I was thinking that those roles do not go away just because somebody is not feeling well, because I feel that for DD couples, the practice of DD can actually help them in stressful situations. However, to be honest as I look over the past winter I realize that I have not been following my own advice. I have been lax in enforcing DD when one of us is not feeling well, I guess because I am a bit of a softie. But if I were to really look at how important DD is to our marriage, I should be realizing that sickness is not the time to give up DD, unless perhaps it was some extreme form of illness. Hopefully looking at EsMay's exercises and trying to practice them the next time one of us is sick will help us to keep up with our DD.

20 comments:

  1. Great post Es May! Thanks for the ideas I liked all but the earlier bedtime lol-I HATE to b sent to bed without my husband-that is honestly a horrible punishment to me! I don't have a set bedtime & here's to hoping I never get one!
    Love,
    Scarlet ; )

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    Replies
    1. LOL, yeah, I'm not a fan of the earlier bedtime either, but I also realize at times I need it. :( But in your case, it might actually not be good for you then if it makes you feel like you're being punished. :(

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  2. Did you guys both get your flu shots??? These are really good tips--thanks! We don't realize how much energy DD takes until we get sick.

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    1. No, we never get flu shots. All the colds and flus we got weren't in the flu shots anyway, and that is what we find every year. And the one year we did get them, we were more sick than ever before. So we just don't bother. :)

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  3. Great ideas EsMay! I am sure these will help many here in blog land...a lot of these are good to keep in mind in dealing with others as well as our partners.

    Duke...I really admire that you are willing to admit when you are not meeting your own expectations. Here's something that might help you...you don't put your marriage on hold...quit being a husband...when one of you aren't feeling well...just consider DD as part of your vows. Not sure if this thinking will help...just a suggestion.

    Keep up the great work you two!

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Even if they don't help, I hope they'll be a help to us. And I think I jinxed myself when writing this! :( I got a sore throat this afternoon, and it really hurts to swallow now. :( :(

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  4. This is wonderful, though I'm sorry you've both been ill so often this year. I can't believe I missed the three previous posts on submission exercises, so I went back and read them.....pure delight and truth! Many of them are about putting your spouses needs before your own, which should be a daily practice for dd and vanilla couples alike! I just want to let you know, many times when I struggle with an aspect of submission I visit here because there is usually something that will speak to my heart, and I can move forward. Thanks to both you and the duke for such great content and warm hearts :-)

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    Replies
    1. River... wow... thank you... wow, I really am humbled. Thank you for reading here, and that you like what we write. That you come here and read when you want to feel more submissive, I almost cried, I was so thankful that we're able to help. {{{hugs}}}

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    2. Oh please don't cry! I just think you have a gift for being able to minister to hearts that need you :-)

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    3. Thank you for those words, they really touched me. They were good tears I had, trust me, aided by the fact I was PMSing. ;)

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  5. Great post Es May and wonderful ideas. It can be hard to maintain the dymanic when one or both partners are unwell.

    Love
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Roz, so very true. We have found that is how it is here. Hopefully these ideas will help in the future. :)

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  6. These were really great ideas! It's definitely hard to stay in a DD mindset when one or both are not feeling well. Having a plan for those times is important. Hope you are both on the mend now.

    hugs
    sara

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Sara, I hope so, though I got another sore throat today. I honestly refuse to believe it. ;) At least now we do have a plan to help our dynamic if it does end up being a cold. Grrr, winter, end already! :)

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  7. I am sorry that you had so much trouble with colds and flus during the past months. I hope all will be easier again for you two, the sooner the better, once the warm spring weather has arrived and you can see flowers in the garden. <-You know, it’s this bright white, open space around your house. :-)
    Your ideas are really great. They are helpful and some are actually important for the well-being of both partners. I think showing care and giving consolation when your partner is ill, can really make a difference and much of what you wrote is about this and about showing that you have your partner in your thoughts and want them to be well again quickly. I think that’s really lovely, thank you for that.

    hugs

    Nina

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    1. Thank you, Nina. I do think we should always be thinking of the well being of our spouses. :) It really helps us to shift the focus on them, and make sure they are being cared for as well. :)

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  8. I hope with some warmer weather, you'll both be able to rid of all the sickness! It's been a long winter. DD is hard when one or both of you are sick, but there are things we can both do to help each other feel just a little bit better. I loved your list and your post

    Hugs

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    Replies
    1. Oh, Jennelle, I hope so too! :) :) And I am glad you liked what we wrote. :)

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  9. These were really good suggestions. The dynamic was evident in the list with the TiH never dictating to the HoH when he is ill and the HoH staying in control even when she is ill. It would help to keep things on track and make everyone feel safe and cherished.

    Once again, you are amazing Esmay. Duke, you aren't soft you are concerned and caring. Wonderful things for an HoH to be. I am so happy when I read how the two of you interact. God has blessed you both.

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    1. Brittany, if your goal was to make me blush,,, you succeeded. :). And thank you. I really want to learn to be submissive no matter if I'm feeling well or not. I am already sick again since this post, and let me tell you, the Duke took the suggestions to heart!!! Lol

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