UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Friday, December 06, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 3 - Goodbye Pride

First of all, in writing these posts of what I've learned this year, I really hope I don't come off as knowing it all, or what have you.  Let me tell you, I still have SO much learning to do, we both do, we both still struggle, a lot, but thought it'd be nice to share what I have learned in case it can help someone else out there...

Actually, I am currently waiting on a spanking that will happen later tonight for saying a swear word today... and it wasn't one of the tamer ones either, for being snippy, rude, basically on the verge of yelling, and well, just down right disagreeable.  When I told the Duke how much better I was doing in this area, and had spent an hour before coming out of our room to try to better get my bad mood under wraps, and would have stayed longer if I didn't need to get ready for work... he admitted he has seen major progress.  The times I'm like that are way less often, and a lot less severe... but he is right too, it needs to be dealt with so that it doesn't get out of hand.  He gave me a bit of a spanking, all that we had time for, this morning... the rest is tonight...

So, anyway, another thing I learned this year is that there is no place for pride in DD.  At least not in our DD marriage.  I basically have had to kiss my pride goodbye and send it packing... okay, parts of it, some parts I'm still not winning the fight over, but I'll get there, someday. :)

I won't lie, I am like many other women, I want my husband to be able to read my  mind, SOME of the time.  But to be honest, I'd be down right terrified if he could read it all of the time.  So, unfortunately, we don't get a say in this matter, it's not even an all or nothing, it's flat out nothing.  They can't read our minds... my husband included. 

And Duke, if you ever aquire this skill, we may have to start living in different zip codes! ;)

Because the Duke can't read my mind, this year has been a year in learning to swallow my pride.  Yes, it's hurt, even physically.  Lumps in my throat, heart pounding, palms sweating, shallow breathing, nothing short of panic at times.  I mean, DD is about communication, being open, and honest.  So, sometimes I need something... and I'm afraid to admit it.  I might need a spanking, I might need him to know I don't like how I just talked and want him to call me on it from now on, I might need him to see I'm doing something I believe is self destructive, I might need to admit to an offense he wasn't around for.  The Duke might not have seen the signals to any of these, and in all honesty, sometimes I show too well that I'm doing quite alright when I'm literally about to fall to pieces, or am painfully hiding something.  He can't read my mind, waiting for him to do so means I could be waiting for days, or weeks, all the while, spiraling out of control.  This is not good for me, since my PTSD and Post Partum with Grief, I am very susceptable to getting into dark moods, fast.  I am told because of how both rearranged the chemicals in my brain, I'm always going to wrestle with fighting the dark days... I think it helps to know that so that I'm better prepared and not beating myself up when a few years later, I still struggle at times.  My best friend's fiance says "She can go from happy to dark in 0-60."  That is why when he found out we do DD, and my friend was panicked, he was over the moon about it.  He saw right away that this would be good for me.  Yeah, that was embarrassing.  Nothing like another man saying, "yeah, she needs to be spanked".  lol

Anyway, the best way to fight off these dark moments that threaten to overwhelm me is to be honest with the Duke.  Sometimes just talking is all I need, sometimes I need a spanking, usually I need both.  I'm used to trying all I can not to bother the Duke, at least over things that take time.  But talking and spanking both take time.  The Duke likes to have time to himself each night, knowing I could be keeping that from happening was really scary to me.  But when he found out I was holding back, he told me to tell him.  Now I do, sometimes it means the Duke ends up with no time to himself one night here or there because dealing with me has taken all night... but he's letting me know I'm worth it, and in all honesty, when we look at it, it's only maybe one night a month month, sometimes not even, and in the whole grand scheme of things, that isn't too often.  I also worried in sharing that he'd get panicked and think that being dark meant I was suicidal, too much to handle, or not worth the effort anymore.  But he doesn't think that.  He knows this isn't my choice, and he knows I really fight on those days to be okay.

I've also had to learn to be more open because of some of my rules.  One rule that had to be made is that I'm to let him know whenever I'm in the mood... I have a much higher drive than the Duke, and sometimes if we have a busy week, and I'm struggling for days, I end up physically frustrated, and we've noticed that leaves me feeling lost and insecure and even frightened for some reason... it has been an embarrassing learning time to have to tell him exactly how often I'm actually like this... REALLY EMBARRASSING!  I know, it shouldn't be.... but it is really hard for me.

I'm also to not hold in my feelings anymore.  No holding in anger, hurt, fears, needs, he's to know them all.  There is nothing like sitting there, in front of the man you love, afraid that all the changes you've needed from DD already might be too much, and yet you have another need, and will this be the one that drives him over the deep end?  But I'm not allowed to hide these inside anymore.  And in truth, it's not good for me to do so, but man, is it ever hard to share some of these things.  Sometimes I feel quite stupid or childish for my needs, fears, and what have you.  Sometimes I wonder how many sharing times am I away from him having me committed.

And lets not forget the fact that spanking in and of itself is saying goodbye to one's pride.  Here, it may not start bare, but it always ends bare.  I mean, seriously?  I am not friends with my cellulite!  I don't want the Duke to be either.  But, there you have it, they have become friends, and the Duke has become very fond at paying attention to that part of my body.  It's hard to admit I need a spanking, at first it was even harder climbing over his lap.  I felt ridiculous, and who in their right mind wants this, let alone feels they need it?  But need it I did, and I had to be willing to swallow my pride to get what I needed.  And so, being spanked was me having to swallow my pride in several different areas.

Each time I said goodbye to another piece of pride, it was really hard... but I wouldn't take it back for the world.  Yes, I'm very open and vulnerable to the Duke now, times he hurts me by mistake hurt way worse now, but that's okay.  Because I'm also more carefree, I trust more, I grew up never being able to trust anyone, it's so freeing to finally be able to let go.  No secret needs, fears and what have you mean I'm always being checked on, and taken care of.  I worried that at some point the Duke would make fun of me for something I shared.  To date, I cannot recall a time that ever happened, and now I realize it won't happen.

Saying goodbye to parts of my pride has meant a new level of communication, a new level of us being one together.  My walls have come down, and if there are more I don't know about, we'll work through them too. 

Now don't get me wrong, I still have pride, it does STILL get me into trouble, but I'm learning more and more how to let it go.  Each time I do, I feel more submissive, I feel more softness entering, I feel contentment rising up in me, I feel joy surging through my veins.  If you told me last year one thing I'd learn to do is give up pride, I might have walked away.  Now, it's one of the biggest blessings I've gotten from this lifestyle.  The Duke wants me open and receptive to him, and I'm finding that's just what I want too. :)

I hope in sharing all this, I have not frightened anyone off, it really is a huge blessing to me and the Duke, and I definitely believe it was worth every awkward moment.  Our marriage is getting good now, and the more I get a handle on my pride, the more amazing it will grow. 

This post was really hard to share, and it too was letting go of some of my pride, but this is good for me.  I hope I didn't over share, and I'm really sorry if I did.

The Duke just came in and told me it's time for my spanking from this morning... perfect timing I'd say... except now I wish I had more to say so that I'd need to write longer. ;)  J/K... see you all later.  Let's hope I can actually sit to read your comments later...

16 comments:

  1. Waiting for a spanking held over since the morning!
    I am thinking of you
    Meredith

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    1. Thank you, Meredith, it was hard, but what I needed. :)

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  2. Happy to see you are proud of the progress you've made on your journey. You should be.

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    1. I didn't think we could grow to be such a different couple in a year, I'm just so glad we have this second chance to make our marriage good. :)

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  3. Thank you Es May for sharing this with us and letting us into your private thoughts on how you feel.
    Exclent post
    Bob

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Bob, and I am glad that you liked the post. It was hard sharing those private thoughts, but this blog is about being honest, good, bad, and embarrassing. :)

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  4. I can completely relate to letting go of that pride. What a thoughtful post. You always come across as honest and humble. You've come so far, and I wish you both the best of luck as you continue your journey!

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    1. JGirl, thank you so much for your words of comfort. In overwhelming situations in real life, I get shy, and have been told that to those that don't know me, it can appear being stuck up. :( So I wonder at times how I come across on paper... er, screen. ;)

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  5. Glad to see all the progress that you are making. I could identify with the panic you mentioned. I had that last night myself. I don't even know why... Just when you think you have it all worked out there's some new thing to surprise you. lol

    Thanks for sharing with us. You did a wonderful job.

    hugs
    sara

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    1. Oh, Sara, isn't that the truth. I think in ways it's good that we have those surprises so that we stay humble, but then again, it hurts when we think we've come so far, only to hit the same wall we've run into a hundred times before. Thank goodness our men love us, and still guide us. :) {{{hugs}}}

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  6. Great post!
    I totally understand the "pride" issues, I still struggle with them. I think I used pride, the same way I use humor, as a defense mechanism. There is so much vulnerability in this lifestyle, that it can be easier to just put those walls back up, but you didn't do that, you showed Duke your vulnerability, and look how far you've come and how much growth you guys have had. It's so wonderful!

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    1. Oh Jennelle, yes, there is so much vulnerability, it's amazing how open this lifestyle leaves us. I wouldn't say I haven't rebuilt, or built new walls at all... but compared to the ones that have come down, they are little, and they didn't stay up long. :) You are right, it is a defense mechanism for me too... and I'm trying not to have those... at least where the Duke is concerned. We'll see how well I do though. :)

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  7. Aww Es May...This post brought tears here...am so very proud of you and the the Duke. You two have grown so much! The confidence in yourself and in each other is such a delight.

    BTW...you do not come across as know-it-all...you come across as very lovingly sharing what you have learned. :D

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Cat, I'm sorry I made you cry. {{{HUGS}}} But I hiope they were good tears. :) And thank you, I would hate to come across as a know it all type of... well I best not say as I'm not allowed to swear, and I'm sure the Duke would count writing it out as the same offense. ;) Thank you, Cat, for those kind words. {{{hugs}}}

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  8. I just started reading your blog two days ago do I haven't read all of your post yet but I have to say Thank you so much for tellimg us your feelings. I am astounded by how !much I can relate to you. My true love, my master and I have only begun dd a couple of months ago and it still seems like experimenting to me. I feel like I must be insane or have some serious psychological issues to want to be punished. But its so much more than just spankings. Your blog has helped me not feel like such a weirdo. I would really like to talk to you so I will email you soon. Just by reading your articles i can tell you are such a sweet good hearted person. The struggles that you go through and your personality seem to be just like myself. I"m so amazed at how similar we are. I really need some friends who practice dd, that I can talk to. I hope if I start commenting I will get acquainted w you ladies and make some friends. I can't tell you enough how grateful I am for your blog. Bless you!!

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  9. Wow, thank you. That is very nice and sweet of you to say. :) No, you are not a weirdo, and I can guarantee that most of us have all wondered the same when we started out. :) Sometimes my email doesn't always show me emails from someone new, but I'll try to remember to keep a look out. If I don't reply, just write a message somewhere on my blog so that I know to check. :) And thank you for reading... I never know who will read, but I find the writing therapeutic, so I try to do it when I can. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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