UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 2 - Room To Grow

I am posting this a head of time as I'm out all night, but don't want to forget the things I'm thinking about right now.  So if I haven't gotten to my last night's comments before this comes out, I will do my best to get to them before bedtime. :)

So, when I started out DD, I had all these dreams of grandeur, you know, the Duke would of course want to step up right away, he'd want to take control, I mean, what man wouldn't want to have a woman bowing to their every wish?  ;)  And part of this dreaming was of him forcing me to take a punishment when I would fight.  It was naturally in me to fight, but I thought of how romantic it would be if he told me I had no choice in the matter, and if need be, grab and pull me over his lap himself, being the true alpha male.  {yep, a swooning scene from a novel}

As you can guess, that didn't happen.  On the times I did fight in the beginning of DD, I sent him two totally opposite signals.  My mouth was saying I wanted this, my actions were fighting him every step of the way and saying I didn't want this.  {can't you just hear the men saying we act like this on so many things as women? ;)  *groan*  They'd be right.  lol}  It didn't take long for me to realize that him not being a natural leader meant I had to give him room to grow into his role. 

What did that mean for me?  I had to stop fighting, I had to crawl over his lap without question even when everything in me told me to run, because when I did run, I could see his frustration.  I was asking him to step up and lead, and yet was doing all I could to make sure he failed.  YIKES.  That was scary.  It was a constant fight for a few weeks of him trying to do what he felt I wanted, and me making him feel like a complete and utter failure.

So when I started to cooperate, and when I started to listen to him without question, his confidence grew.  And as his confidence grew, then he could handle the times when I really was having a hard time submitting.  Now, if I fight, which I still try not to do, but lets face it, I'm human and FEMALE, it happens, so now when I do, he's got the confidence that he's got this, and he can lead me, whether I'm in the mood to follow in the moment or not.  Now he really can take me over his lap without question, even if I fight... which I won't tell you the last time that was... *cough* *cough*  Yes, I'm still growing on the submission, I'm working on it. ;)  Let's just say I'm way better than I was, and still have room to grow. ;)  Does the fact that I think I was hormonal make me any less guilty in this situation???

So, it took months and months of work for him to get this confidence to take me over his knee, whether I was willing or not, to force me to do what was right, whether I was a happy camper about it or not.  I had to be patient.  I had to remember that I'd wanted this, DD, for many months before we started.  He needed time to process and catch up.  I had to remember to congratulate him sincerely, or thank him when he did stand up, and explain to him how that made me feel loved, secure, and even more attracted to him.  I also had to encourage him on his down days, to let him know I believed in him, that he'd make mistakes and it was okay, we'd work through them together, and that he didn't have to be perfect.  I had to invest in what was best for him, and not spend all of my focus on me.  I couldn't push him.  Oh, I tried here or there... want to talk about another confidence buster!  Yeah, "Honey, can you lead me?  But I want you to do it this way, and this way, and this way.  Don't deviate from the plan, okay?"  Yeah, like I said yesterday, I did a bit of this.  How can they have confidence if we're the ones giving the orders?

So I guess what I'm saying in all of this is, if you're new to DD, and struggling, maybe make sure you're giving him the room to grow in his confidence.  If you're not, don't be afraid to step back.  Don't be afraid to work on his confidence.  Yes, you might be at the end of your rope, I was.  I was ready to give up on having a good marriage and had nothing left to give.  But I had to.  I had to say thanks even if I didn't feel it, I had to encourage when I wanted to throw in the towel, but the more I did, the more I honestly felt truly thankful, and really like encouraging him. 

The Duke had been taught his whole life that he couldn't be trusted to lead.  He had been taught to be submissive to women and not fight them.  A friend even joked with him constantly to learn how to say "Yes, Dear." and say it often.  Yes it was joking, but yet another way in which men are told that women get the final say.  I had to fight his whole upbringing, and that doesn't change over night.  On days I had nothing left to give, I just asked myself what I really wanted, and what were the steps to get there.  And more often than not, helping the Duke believe in himself was the answer.  It took many months for all of this, almost the whole last year, but that's okay, we're talking about having rewired most of our marriage in a sense.

If you find you're struggling like we did, talk to us {blogland} about it.  Anyone here in blogland.  They gave me the support I needed to keep fighting to make my marriage work, they can help you too. :)  You can seek help, vent if you need, or just find strength from those who have been there before.

20 comments:

  1. Sitting here with a big smile on my face Es May! You and the Duke have come so far and you get it...you really get it! So very proud of you both...you are a shining example for others in our community. :D

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thank you, Cat, wow, you make me feel all good inside. :) Thank you. {{{hugs}}} I don't know about an example, I still struggle in so many areas, but I am glad I can share what I have learned that has helped.

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  2. Hello EsMay
    I'm sorry I thought I'd commented on your last post, but hadn't!
    Yes to the saying one thing with my mouth and another thing with how I've reacted (fought) with my body and yes too to imagining he would/should lead or act in a particular way and telling him he is wrong when he doesn't. (I really wish I could have written this in the past tense but its not totally in the past, it still happens at times!)
    Well done with all you have both recognised, learned and communicated.

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    1. Hey Janey, no worries, a lot of my comments have been disappearing as well. :( And I so understand, even though we have taken great steps in some areas, there are still times I expect him to act a certain way, and then he floors me. I think they like to do that. ;)

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  3. I'm loving this series from you :) You've got some really interesting points about things you've learned over the last year. Thanks for sharing!

    Callie

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    1. Callie, thank you so much, I'm glad you like it. I was afraid to share, but so far the response from everyone has been great.

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  4. This is wonderful to read Es May. I loved hearing about how the Duke has grown
    in confidence. Glad everything is going well.

    hugs
    sara

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    1. Thank you, Sara, it has been nice to see him grow. :) {{{hugs}}}

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  5. Thank you for sharing your successful journey.
    Meredith

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    1. Hey Meredith... I was going to say I don't know that you'd call it successful, but when I look at how strong we are now... I guess in a way we are. I know we still have a long way to go, we both have so much to learn, but we're getting there, day by day.

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  6. This is a great post, Es May. I've been navigating my way around blogland and just now found you. I'm looking forward to reading more :)

    Love the layout, btw!

    Sadie

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    1. Sadie, it is so nice to meet you. :) I am glad you found me, I can always use another friend. {{{hugs}}} And thank you for liking my layout... some people can probably tell you how obsessed I was with its perfection in the early stages... *blush* I just wanted it to reflect who I was so much, so as I change, it tends to make changes too, lol.

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  7. Great post!!!!
    I hate that stereotypical "yes dear" thing. I want to be as far from that as possible, you know??!!
    Hugs,
    Elle

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    1. OH Elle, I KNOW! It drives me nuts... I don't want him to ever bow to me like that. :( I'm glad he's learning how serious I am about that. :) {{{hugs}}}

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  8. Awesome post EsMay.. I am so glad we are in this together

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    1. Thank you, Dana. And me too, I have needed blogland to get through this year, and it's great to have you all here with me.

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  9. This is such a great post, Es May!!! I think that is so true- we have to let them grow in their way, as HoH/gain confidence. You have done that, which truly requires patience, perseverance and so much more. I think that the rewards are wonderful! Good for you both!!! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Thank you so much, Katie. I do try to do this often, but it is something I realize I will have to keep an eye out for, sometimes he can get insecure... and I have to remember that in those times, it's my turn to give back to him. {{{hugs}}}

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  10. What a great post. You two have come soo far, it's so nice to be able to reflect and look back at it all. :)

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    1. THank you, Kenzie. :) It is nice, I was going back through some old posts, I can't believe the change in a year's time.

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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