Shifting Pride

Tonight is the Wrestlemania.  The Duke doesn't watch other sports, though sorry to any fans, I'm not sure I can call WWE sports. :P  So he and a friend get together once a week to watch on Tuesday nights, and then special events once a month, usually on Sundays.

Tonight is the biggest night of the year.  I wanted to make it special for him, and he absolutely loves the Spinach and Cheese Dip I make.  It's a bit of money, but I wanted to spoil him.  Now, something like that, I'd used to usually only make if I really wanted to impress someone.  But my focus is changing lately.  I knew the Duke would like to have some, so today I made two.  They're now waiting to go into the oven later tonight.  The men have pizza for now. :)

Before we got stronger in DD, and even in the early days of DD before my respect really got to be formed, I would have still made the dip, but so that I would look good to our company, I am ashamed to say.  Tonight I made it for the Duke, and the Duke alone.  There wasn't a thought at all if the friend would like it or not.  I was surprised that I honestly don't care if his friend has any.  The Duke may never notice the difference, but my heart does. :)

We talked last night about starting a weekly maintenance again, wish my poor bottom well. :P

What I Want, What I REALLY Need

I know why I can be confusing to the Duke. I'm a constant war, two sides of me constantly fighting, even I get dizzy from it at times. I sometimes really make him question his ability to lead.  Tonight even. So I've sat here thinking about how I seem to send mixed signals at times...and how can I do or say something one time, and the exact opposite another, and yet both feel so much like who I am. I think I'm starting to figure it out, I think it's the difference between want and need. I don't like this about myself, and I've been working on it a bit in some areas, still not being able to put my finger on it before tonight, but I think seeing tonight how much I am at war with myself is really going to help me clarify how I want to act and feel.

My wants and my needs, and you will see how they seldom agree.

In making this list, I felt I remembered a similar post from someone before? So even though what I write here is from my head, the idea might be from a memory. :)  I found it, it's on God's Gift To Him Blog from 2010. :)

I wrote out like 30-40 wants/needs, but didn't want you having to read all night, so I tried to get it down to about 15-20, and some got combined as well. :)

I want to obey when I feel submissive and healthy and when it suits me
I need him to demand my obedience and submission at all times in all ways

I want to have freedom to test the limits, to decide some of the rules
I need him to remind me that showing him respect means obeying what he decides

I want to feel safe and cherished and comfortable
I need him to sometimes push past my limits for my own good

I want to hide from him, ashamed of my body
I need him to demand my nakedness, even when embarrassing, and to reassure he loves all of me

I want to run away when we fight, I want time alone to fester, time to focus on my hurt
I really need him to keep me with him, or go after me, and not let me build up walls and fears

I want to remain strong, and keep some independence
I need him to demand I let go, let my little out, my fears out, and my longings out and FULLY depend on him

I want to hide when I'm embarrassed
I need him to expose all of me so that I am utterly vulnerable to him

I want to nurse my hurts and fears alone
I need him to make me share everything so that I have nothing to hide

I want to be able to scream my head off during the rare times I'm hormonal
I need to have him step up and tell me that's enough, and to end it if need be

I want to give excuses for why I don't get things done
I need him to hold me accountable

I want him when I'm aroused
I need him to remind me that my body is his and that he's allowed to use me when and how he wants, even in the middle of the night

I want to hide from him how often I'm aroused at times, especially if I feel he isn't
I need him to keep his rule that I must always tell him because it humbles me to have to be so honest, which usually gets him in the mood if he wasn't before ;)

I want to talk him out of some of the rules
I need him to step up and tell me I will be following the rules, or else, and follow through

I want to decide when spankings happen, and how hard, how long, and for what reasons
I need him to decide, I need him to make me trust he won't hurt me, and not turn back if I make excuses

I want to self bash and tell myself how horribly I'm doing
I need him to stop me from hurting myself, and dragging myself to a dark place, to show me how special I am and force me to see the good

This list could go on all day, and I did cut it in half.

I'm such a walking contradiction.

Err... I mean, I don't know why the Duke is so confused. It's not like I'm inconsistent as a woman. :P None of you struggle with your needs vs your wants... do you? :P Of course not, we're all too perfect to have such an obvious flaw! *WHISTLING WAY TOO INNOCENTLY* Way too perfect. :P

The Duke's Deductions:
Thank you for writing this Esmay. This list is really good. I think it is encouraging for me to have this to look at. My natural instincts are oftentimes to think that Esmay is going through a hard time right now or is not feeling well so I should let things go or go easier, Or I think that I don't want to hurt Esmay's feelings, when really she needs me in that moment. So yes, its good to know that in those moments I can still push forward and push Esmay in that way. It is funny how sometimes the best thing you can do in a situation can be to do something that can hurt in the short term but overall can help the most in the longterm.

A Little Bit Of Everything - Closing Thoughts

This is post 5 of 5. :)

First of all, thank you guys soooo much for how supportive you were in my last post.  I can't tell you how much it's helped me.  I feel freer to try now, freer to be me.  I know I will probably still struggle, but it helps not feeling alone.  You are wonderful people. :) 

And sorry it took so long to get this out, I've had it typed for weeks, but got sick again this week.  Is cold and flu season over soon??? :)

So, in conclusion, we are many things, and maybe even more things than we've shared in the past four posts.

Domestic Discipline (DD)

Dominance/Submission (D/s)

Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism (BDSM)

Little - But Not Age Play

I write mostly about DD, but am finding the more I settle into myself and can be honest with myself about what I like and don't like, and about what I want and don't want, I'm finding things about myself that I never knew, or have been learning along the way bit by bit.  And the more I learn, and the more I seek inside myself, the more happy the Duke seems to be with the changes.  Changes I thought would have him running for the hills when we first started on this journey over five years ago.

He gets turned on so quickly now.  He is so quick to use my body for his pleasure, and yet at the same time, he gives more pleasure than he takes.  He also uses my body in ways I used to hate, and now love.  Nothing that hurt me mind you, just ways of pleasure I used to not like, but now I love, and now he tells me how proud of me he is for being willing to try.

He guides me in ways I always dreamed of, like being told when to go to bed, being told when to sit down because I'm so exhausted and wished someone would just see how much I need help.  He even steps in and takes over decisions I wish I didn't have to make.  As some of you may recall, I had a sister that was saying very hurtful things to me a year and a half ago.  I kept putting up with it in love, crying my eyes out over and over again because her words hurt so much.  Finally the Duke put his foot down and said I couldn't talk to her anymore.  What a relief.  The choice was no longer mine.  He was protecting me, and I could rest in knowing the abuse was ending because the Duke was putting an end to our communication until she could treat me kindly again.  She is in our lives again, but the Duke is very cautious, and could take that away again at any time, and it's great to know I don't get to decide, he'll take care of it for me if it needs to be.

So... some things about me that make me who I am, and make us who we are.  A collage of many things, and still, as I keep learning, there will probably be more, and I'm loving every minute in the discovery.  What makes it more beautiful is that like I said, the Duke is loving every minute as well.  I don't know if I am like any other woman out there, and that is the simply beautiful thing about TTWD.  Picking and choosing what works for you, what makes you tick, what makes you crave, what makes you feel complete.  It's different for every person.  I love being unique.  Sometimes I fear that, but then I look at the Duke, who is so utterly fulfilled and loving in our marriage, and I know I'm doing something right.  He never looks at another woman.  Not in real life, not in a magazine, not on TV.  I can't wait to keep finding the things that make him happy and keep his attention.  He says it best when he says there is no reason to go looking elsewhere when I keep him so happy at home. :)  Those words just make my heart swell.

(This is not to send judgement to any marriages where the husband's eyes may stray, and that doesn't mean you haven't given your all.  And if that is your story, I am so sorry.)  {{{HUGS}}}

The Duke's Deductions:

I just want to say that Esmay has been very patient with me over our marriage. There has been lots of times where I have been tired, I have been selfish, I have been uncaring, or stubborn. And she keeps giving, keeps putting herself into this relationship, and keeps believing it can be better. So I am very thankful for that. I was immature when we got married, and in many ways basically acted like a kid, and in many ways there are still ways I need to grow up more, but we are going through this together. I feel like her submission since we started TTWD has really grown, and she has really learned to accept my leading in that area. As a result of her submission, I believe I have grown in my confidence and in feeling more secure in our marriage. I think early on in DD I was a lot less confident and so was more anxious about whether I was doing DD correctly or whether I was messing DD up, and so was not as comfortable as I am now with it. Due to her being submissive, I can now look at her and see that I can do what I want with her and that she is willing to listen to me. 

EsMay again - Sometimes he just makes me laugh.  Everything so sweet, and then that last line, like he's some kind of animal. ;)  LOL  But there is much truth in it too. :)  The beauty is in the fact that often what he wants to do with me is just to take care of me... or... well, ravage me. :P  Love this man of mine. :)