The Duke Steps Up

So.... the click that happened yesterday that I wrote about?  Happened fast!  Last night I was told a few times to do different things.  And then today I was told during maintenance what to make for supper.

Now, to tell you what a MONUMENTAL big thing this is, I can never, and I mean never, get my husband to tell me what it is that he wants for supper.  He won't even usually tell me if he likes a meal so I know to make it again or not.  I get a thank you every time I cook, and I am so thankful for that, but I'd also like to know what he likes.  Well, today he told me.  And not just a general idea, but right down to the veggies he wanted to eat with it.  I felt so submissive while making it!

Also, last night I didn't want to take any more decongestant, I just felt cruddy, and wanted no more medicine pumped into me.  But the Duke?  He'd have none of it.  I was taking the decongestant whether I liked it or not.  My head almost snapped in surprise.  Say what?  I got all nervous.  This is what I wanted, why was I all the sudden shaky?  I knew I still wanted it, but couldn't believe how nervous I was.

I told him today after maintenance that I guess he's found his HOH hat.  He said he didn't know there was such a thing and wanted one! ;)  I told him they were just something we said as a metaphor, but that if he'd really like one, I'd find a way to make him one. :)

You know, I think it's probably weird that I call him "the" Duke.  But I've realized something.  Whenever I try to just say "Duke", I feel like I'm not giving him the respect that he deserves.  I feel that it just turns into an every day name, and not a title.  By calling him the Duke, I am giving him respect, I am honouring him.  So, it will always be the Duke since I just can't call him Duke.

Oh, and if you look above, there is a change in my title bar. :)  I got to thinking about one of the questions we were asked during March's question month.  It was what we'd want next as an implement.  I don't know that we'll want anything more than what we already have.  But if we did, I'd want something like the paddle we already got from Blondie's with some etching in it, if I could find a place to get it etched that is.  And what I have above is a lot like I'd like it to look like. :)  The Duke laughed and loved it when he saw it, and wants me to keep it up. :)

HAPPY EASTER everyone. :)

Made To Need Him

I talk about my faith in this post, not to be preachy, but to show how a certain book and Bible passage finally cleared up in my head something I was finding really confusing about DD.  I hope I do not offend anyone that chooses to read further. 

So... I have a confession to make.  I've been feeling really off kilter.  The Duke and I have been talking about how to get him to feel like he can actually punish me.  We're doing really good at the maintenance, but not so good on the punishments.  Meaning, I think I've had one punishment spanking since we started, and it was only a few swats, and two times of writing out lines, and those lines were my idea.

All the sudden I felt like a child needing a spanking.  I felt like I should be able to be a grown up.  It was great to release the other night during maintenance.  But am I a child to need readjustment?  Correction?  Why is it I crave direction so much?

But then today I saw a book on Amazon for free.  When Love and Submission Ignite (Secrets to an Incredible Love Relationship)  It was only 31 pages, but I thought I'd give it a quick over.  Now, it's really Biblical, so if that offends you, this won't be a book for you.  And I'm not sure it teaches enough to be effective in learning to submit, but there were a few points I liked.  This short books talks more about why you should submit, but doesn't tell you really how to.  Even then I thought it could have gone into real detail.  But anyways.

One quote I REALLY liked.  It is talking about submission.  "This does not make one inferior, but it provides an opportunity for accountability."  It's true, I need accountability.  This is what I've needed all along.  I've never really had to be accountable to anyone.  But it's something I've longed for for quite a while.  There have never been consequences really, and I need that. 

The book also quotes the passage in Ephesians 5:22-28.
²² For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³ For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. ²⁴ As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.  ²⁵ For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her ²⁶ to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.  ²⁷ He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. ²⁸ In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.

Now, that really helped!  It all clicked!  My husband's job is to help make me spotless.  To help me be without fault!  That's his job, my job is to let him.  WOW.  Every time he punishs me it's to take away the guilt and the fault.  Every time he corrects me, I become a better person with less flaws.  He's helping me become the person I can't be on my own.  So that doesn't make me a child to need his direction, to need his correction.  It's his job.  Not just something that will just make our marriage stronger, not just something that makes us more happy.  It's what we are supposed to do.  I feel so less childish with this.

Now, I've read that passage a number of times, but until DD, it never held so much meaning.

I sat the Duke down and we talked.  I don't want him to feel bad about needing to punish me.  He's really struggled to be the leader of our home.  He's been so afraid of pushing me, upsetting me.  So I sat him down to talk after reading this, and got him to read the Bible passage.  I told him that he wasn't forcing me to do anything.  I was handing over the reigns.  I didn't want control anymore.  I needed him to take it.  I told him it was a gift.  Did he want to take it or not?  I told him of the times he had stepped up, and how much those meant to me (and how hot I found him!).  He admitted to being afraid of taking this too far.  And so I told him that if I ever find he's doing that, I'll tell him.  Until then, I want him to go as full force on this that he can, and we'll find the balance together.

He agreed, and I could see that after a while of talking, the wheels were finally starting to churn in his head.  Here's hoping we've stepped through another door. :)

I can't do all I'm supposed to do on my own.  I need his help.  And apparently that's okay, that's how I'm supposed to be.  I don't need to feel bad for not being able to be strong on my own.  I was made to need a help mate.  I was made to need my husband.  There is such a beauty in that!

The Miracle That Might Change My Life

You know, in all my processing in my blog last night, I TOTALLY forgot to tell you all the beautiful thing that DID happen in my maintenance story.

Usually when I am as upset as I was the other night during maintenance, I storm around the house.  I raise my voice, I slam cupboards.  Then I see my husband, and he becomes the target of my rage.  Why is he such and such a way.  Why can't he do this or that right.  Why is he still struggling with the same things he's been struggling with since we got married, and on and on go thet attacks.  There is often a screaming match with God in the midst of this as well, and when I mean that I tell Him off, I mean the F word, middle fingers stuck in the air, a full out rant. It gets bad.  But it gets worse.  I then start calling myself HORRIBLE names.  I've even yelled at myself in the mirror a few times telling myself just how worthless I am, pulling out all the old pet names my mother used to so cruely have for me.  This only happens a few times a year, and only since our son has it been so bad, but when it does happen, I'm uncontrollable.  I HATE this about myself.  I am so ashamed to even admit this, even my friends don't realize this about me.  I am so afraid you will all not want to talk to me again after knowing this.  But I feel I have to be honest... so that I can share how much I've already been helped.

I hear myself say to calm down, it doesn't work.  I tell myself I don't need to do this, but I do anyway.  I tell myself I can over come this, I can't.  Once the anger starts to build, no matter how much I fight it, it needs to run it's course, even if I succeed in holding off the anger, it still builds, and cannot be denied.  Not until I can cry can I begin to find a balance again, and this can take up to an hour, though usually not quite as long.  But you all know how much damage can be done in ten minutes of a temper tantrum.

But this time?  My husband spanked me, not even realizing how much I needed it.  I broke down.  I bawled.  He held me, I talked, and talked, and talked.  And you know what?  There was no anger.  No temper tantrums.  I had nothing I had to go back to my husband and ask forgiveness for.  I hadn't accused my husband of anything unfairly so that he started worrying he'd have to make changes he doesn't have to make.  I didn't have to go to God saying how sorry I am that I told Him off as well.  My scardy cat wasn't hiding under the bed.  All around, it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER!

So now we'll be looking at ways to see my triggers, my warning signs, and for him to just grab me and spank me.  I do admit, I'm more prone to these tantrums when I'm sick, hormonal, or too tired, and right now I just might be doing all three.

So even though I had to get him to cut the maintenance shorter than normal, what it did for me this time was amazing.  Sorry I forgot to share that yesterday, still was processing on making him stop.  But the maintenance itself was such an eye opener to my tantrums.  I have not had a real one since we started DD, or not that I can remember, and so this was the first time to see if DD would help.  YEAH, it did! :)

A Lot Going On

I feel bad that I am still sick.  But I have now told my boss I am quitting, and he is going to get back to me, tomorrow hopefully, to let me know if I can quit right away, or if I have to work another two weeks.  I am hoping that I can be done now because I just can't afford to get any sicker.

But on to the good news. :)

On Wednesday night last week, we had quite the maintenance.  Sometimes I find no submission in maintenance, but we are still trying to find a way to make them work.  But Wednesday, I was so sick, and tender from being sick that I couldn't handle what I normally can.  The Duke was warming me up, and I was already bawling.  I was stressed thinking I had to go back to work, I felt worse than I had in a long time, and I was exhausted.  By the time he was using the paddle I was an absolute mess.  I broke my rule.  I was so upset with myself, but I got out of position.  I looked at the Duke and told him I was already bawling, I couldn't take any more.  He kept trying to make me a few times, but a few swats in and I'd be right back out of position.  I was emotionally spent, I couldn't handle any more.

He finally recognized this, and just pulled me to him to cry.  And did I ever cry.  For a half an hour I'm guessing, I bawled, and told him all that I was feeling.  I told him how much working was bothering me, how I didn't see how I could go back and do one more day, just getting sicker and sicker from the place.  I told him how much pain I was in, and that I felt like my head would actually explode.  I told him how worried I was about not having another job lined up.  But most of all, I told him how I just couldn't stay in position. 

I knew I was close to feeling like a victim, and I had to stop the spanking to keep that from happening.  So I asked him what I thought was going on.  I asked him if he'd been counting.  He looked at me confused, and said that he had been.  He thought that that was what he was supposed to do.  I told him that sometimes he might need to give me a set amount of spankings, but that he also had to take me as a guide as well when to stop. 

I hate that I couldn't take any more, but I honestly think if I'd not been sick already and so achy already, that I could have done it, even in an emotional state.

We have not had a maintenance since, we were supposed to on Saturday, but it never happened.  I feel I have to sit down and talk with him about the last time.  I thought we were okay, but it's been a long time since he's forgotten to do a maintenance.  I have to go out tonight, so it might not get dealt with tonight, but I hope it can be.  I really don't want him to feel bad.

I think this was a good lesson for us to learn though.  I do have a safe word, but I never once thought to use it.  I guess because physically I could have taken more, emotionally, I was at my limit and could feel myself starting to slip into victim mode.  It happened once in the beginning of DD, and I NEVER want to have it happen again.  Why it even came up, I don't know.  I trust my husband.  I know he wasn't abusing me, I know he wasn't going too far for any other night.  But I just couldn't take more.

Has this happened to anyone else?  Was I wrong?  I feel like I was, but I honestly also feel I couldn't have taken any more.  I feel like abuse from my past might be why I was slipping into victim mode, but I'm not sure.  Does this ever happen to anyone without abuse in their past?

Sorry, a lot of questions, I'm just really wanting to make sure we get this fixed, and feel I have a biased view of all of this.

Thank you to everyone that wished me well.  I hope that happens soon! :)

An Interesting Question

I want to first of all apologize.  I am still quite sick, and this week with company, I just fell way behind in keeping up with blogs.  I went to the clinic again yesterday, I'm still really sick he said.  I was put on another two weeks of antibiotics, and six weeks of a nasal spray.  Have I mentioned I HATE nasal sprays?  And this one has so many warnings, one of which is that it can cause it's own infection... YIKES.  Really???  I am kind of glad I am sick though.  Not because I like being sick, but I've just been so darn tired, and was worried I was getting old or something.  But still having a serious infection means that yes, I'm tired, but it should pass once we can find a way to make me better.  I'm beginning to think it's the building at work, a woman had to leave last week for similar problems.

Anyway, so I promise that I plan to sit down on Wednesday, noon at the latest, to catch up on as many blogs as I can! :)  In the mean time, I'll get to a few of you at a time, but please forgive me if I get to some before others.

So Bas had a great question today, I had started to answer it in the comments section, but felt this deserved it's own blog post. 

Es May,
Since a female led relationship formed both your youth, I wonder why it is that you became the submissive.
Why are you not spanking the Duke in a DD relation?

Duke's Answer:

Hi,

I feel that from a Christian perspective, God really has meant for the man to be the head of the household, and the wife to submit to her husband. I am not sure how that always works out in other marriages, but in ours it was really not working out that way, as I was too afraid to step up, and I think we were both falling into the gender roles the way we witnessed our parents modelling them growing up. I have looked at different marriage books and devotionals and none of them seemed to work for me, but trying DD with my wife seems to click better for our marriage. I think it’s because it sets a clear path as to how the husband can implement his leadership and how the wife can submit to the husband. A female led DD relationship just would not fit into the picture for us.

-Duke

My Answer:

I cannot believe how much this question has made me stop and think.  and even as I come to some ideas, I can't even tell really if my conclusions are accurate or not.  But here is my best guess.

Now, don't get me wrong, I totally love Duke's family.  They are great, and so great to me.  But I wouldn't want my marriage to work like that.  But, to be honest, for the first five years, that is exactly what happened.  Duke's mom rules, his dad always does as asked, or told, and asks for permission to do things a lot.  And that is how we lived too.  I didn't want to, but after Duke kept treating me like I was a mom, and not a wife, that is the roles we slipped into.  I can't tell you how many times I told him I didn't want to be a mother to him, but it was a lot.  

With my family,   my mother used to run the whole family, and not nicely.  She would terrorize anyone that would not bow to her commands.  Our whole family fell apart because of it.  When I moved out, I noticed how much it attracted me when a man would take ownership of a woman, and tell her what to do, always out of what was best for her and because he loved her.  I found myself being drawn to those men. The Duke does not naturally lead, it's not in him, but he's growing in it, and becoming more self assured in the process, and it's beautiful.  Both he and I are liking the changes in him. :)

Women leading our parents' marriages does not work, so we decided that isn't what we wanted.  I want my husband to have a say in how our marriage works.  I want him to be able to stand up and say what he thinks, and not feel he has to cower below me.  I also don't want to lead.  I don't want to be totally responsible.  As much as my mother was the alpha when I was growing up, she also never did anything with us kids.  I raised three younger siblings, helped take care of all my friends.  I've always been in charge, always had to be the responsible one.  I can't do it anymore.  I need a break.  I need to be taken care of for now.  At 34 I feel like a wuss for saying that... but that's how it is.

And thankfully for me, Duke sees this, and is meeting me half way. :)

More Questions Answered

So here are a couple of questions that we got yesterday.  I emailed the questions to The Duke, and asked if he'd write his own answers this time.  He agreed to. :)

From Cat: I'm not sure how long you have been married but my question is: Do you think that if you had known about it when you were first married, you could have successfully incorporated DD into your marriage?

My answer: Well, we've been married a little over five years.  You know, I'm not sure it would have, but I wish we'd known about it and tried.  I won't lie, I read a story over ten years ago about a husband that spanked his wife over an event, and it made me really feel I was missing something in my life.  I've felt that way ever since.  I grew up in a very abusive household, from my mom.  So I have a huge guilty complex.  This woman explained how having her husband spank her for something she felt guilty about for several weeks helped her to let go of the guilt and move on.  I was jealous of that, wishing I could have that, but not daring to ever admit it out loud.  We married five years ago, and I kept that longing a secret.  Feeling I could NEVER share it.  What a relief it was to find out about DD last summer/fall.  It gave me a beginning spot in which to talk to my husband.  At first I just told him what I'd found, not sharing my interest because I was too afraid of being rejected.  Now I'm so glad we're starting.  

But why it wouldn't have worked when we first married?  My husband and I both grew up in very female led households.  Other mother's led our families in ways I never saw in other households.  They excessively led, and their husbands followed.  My husband had no idea how to lead, but worse, he acted like he had to be my doormat.  It would drive me insane, and it took several years to even get him to understand that that is not how I wanted things, this is not how he acted when we dated, and I wanted more of a balance back, and him to be more assertive like he'd been when we'd dated.  It took me a while to realize that when he was growing up, his mother had made all his decisions for him, so it's been a lot of work to get him to step out in making his own decisions, to not fear making mistakes, and it's still a rough journey he struggles on.  I wish we'd had DD all along, when we lost our son, I think it would have helped me cope more if I'd had someone on my angry days to just tell me to stop, and calm down.  But we can't go back, but I'm so glad we're going forward.  And I really do believe now is a better time to start than it would have been for him when we first got married.

The Duke's answer:  Hi Cat. I don’t think I could have successfully incorporated DD into my marriage when I was first married, no. For one thing, I was a lot younger when I was first married, and so I was a lot less mature, less confident, and did not have a firsthand knowledge of how marriage relationship dynamics really play out. I think I would not have understood what DD really was, or how it works, and would have thought it was something else. I would have assumed it was abusive and dangerous. As well, I did not know my wife as well as I do now. I think I would have been afraid to really spank her or discipline out of fear I would either hurt her or turn her off or away from me.  I love her so much more now I feel I love her enough to do DD if that makes sense.

From Roz: My question is what is a positive change you have noticed in yourself and in the Duke since embracing ttwd?

My answer:  I think we have seen several positive changes.  The biggest I've seen in Duke is that he's starting to be firm with me, and I need that.  I need him to have the confidence to do that, and I need him to do so to help me be more submissive.  For me, I find myself doing more things for him, just because I want to show him my love.  I didn't do things for him like I should have, and even though there is still room to grow in this area, I am much more respectful to him in keeping in mind what I'd think he'd like for me to do for him.

The Duke's answer:  Hi Roz, I feel like I have noticed our marriage changing for the better. I think since DD I have felt more confident in marriage and in expressing myself more and feeling better about my decisions. I feel my wife is more willing to listen to me and be submissive to me. I think our relationship is stronger, and that we have a stronger bond to build our future on.

Questions Answered

From Missy Jones: Here is a question for you, what's the one thing you didn't think you get spanked for, but did ? ;)

Hmmm, well aside from the swatting incident the other night. ;)  I'd have to say a few weeks ago.  The Duke had ordered me to bed, and I had gone, but not as soon as I'd been told.  I wasn't really that much later, but I was so tired, we both knew I should have listened straight away, even though it wasn't late.  So even though it was only like ten swats, I really did not expect it! I'd never been spanked for something that small up until then.

From Grace: What's your most favorite and least favorite of the implements you have? Also, what implement that you don't have intrigues you or is something you'd like to purchase/try out? (same questions for Duke if he's open to answering questions too)

- The Duke says his new favourite implement is the new full length paddle we got. He likes it because it works well, and makes me really feel the sting.

- His least favourite is the rug beater because it tends to leave welts.
(Okay, so I find this slightly funny. He likes the paddle because it hurts me, but doesn’t like the rug beater because it hurts me ;), okay, so I do know he means one hurts and the other one actually causes damage, as he puts it, but still. hehe)
- He had always wanted to try a ping pong paddle, but now that we have the new pocket paddle, he’s quite happy with it, and does not really have a new item yet to wish for. :)

- I don’t know if I have a favourite implement. Maybe if we owned a feather duster!  ;) Or a pompom. hehehe

- My least favourite would be the loopy, rug beater, and slightly behind those, the heavy wooden spoon. They all hurt a lot, and the first two can leave raised bruises that can hurt for a few days. They really sting, and even though except for the welts they don’t hurt afterwards, they are REALLY hard to take during the spanking, and I often find myself getting out of position.
- As for an implement to try... hmmm... I’ve spent so much time dreaming of a paddle, that I’m not sure what to want next either.  :) I think my next want would be a paddle still, but one stencilled with a design that we pick out, make it more personalized.  :) That..., or if the paddle ever proves less effective, a Lexan paddle. But for now... NO WAY. HAHAHA

From Tricia: I do have a question for you though. If you could be any animal, what would you be? What would your HoH be?

I'd be a house cat!  Seriously.  Lay around all day, bathe in the sun, food on demand adn they get to walk all over their owners, litearlly.  What's not to love!?!?!?! :)  Ah, what a life. :)

The Duke would be a bird, so that he could fly. :)  I was actually surprised by this answer, I thought he'd pick something big and tough, you know, like a lion, or bear. :)

If you have more questions, please feel free to ask. :)  This is fun. :)

New Paddles

 
Okay, so don't know if I'm still a fan of the new paddles from Blondie's! ;) 

Oh, they are very pretty, very smooth, and surprisingly light weight.  They are easy to grasp, and the perfect size.  Here they are, and I do love the quality of them. :)  Much better than I had hoped! :)

BUT???  THEY HURT!!!!  LOL

Okay, yes, I guess this is supposed to be the point, but I didn't realize how much they would hurt.  The Duke is VERY happy with this fact.  Me, I offered half way through my maintenance last night to let Blondie have it back!  hahahahaa  The Duke?  "No, I like them and like spanking you with them."

Hmph, what???  That's not fair.  He's not supposed to thorougly enjoy like spanking me.  It's supposed to be something he has to do, a chore, but something done out of loving me and leading me... right? ;)  Hmph  LOL

So, if you've ever thought of buying a paddle from Blondie, I say go for it!  She was so helpful.  I had so many questions, and she was so patient with me as I talked with her, sent her litearlly numerous emails, and didn't complain once, but gladly, (or at least made it seem so, hehehe) helped me. :)  Also, the paddles are amazing.  They are sanded down very fine, and are so smooth.  I am more than surprised with the quality, just amazing.  The Duke said they are good, found them very easy to use and were a good weight to use repeatedly.  The prices were also VERY fair, or at least I feel so.  And living in Canada, this was really the only place I could find that I was comfortable with ordering from that didn't cost me my right leg to buy them. :)  I am so thankful to you Christina for telling me about Blondies! 

{Photo Missing}

So here is our tin of implements now.  And has all that we'd hope to have in it, I can't see us wanting anything more, at least for a while.  The only implement not in here that we've shown before is the black rug beater, we decided to not keep it as an implement.  (If you wish to see the others more closely, click Implements in our Labels to the right of the screen)  As you can see, as I was trying to take the photo, my kitty had to come check things out.  This is the "brat" cat I talk about, the one that cuddles with me sometimes when I'm getting spanked, see his FEAR of the implements?  LOL  He's actually rubbing his face on them!  He's lucky he's so cute.  hehehe

Also, I am learning this is questions month.  I'm not really sure how to play along, but if you have any questions for me, I would LOVE to hear them. :)

Teasing The Duke

Sorry I have been MIA!  To say that life is busy right now would seem like a major understatement.  And it will not slow down in the next few days either.

Trying not to be bitter, The Duke took this week off, it's been a while since we have had a day together because we work different days.  So that meant we'd have Wednesday and Thursday off together this week.  Until his parents found out and are now coming to spend it with us so they can see us together... I'm making sure I don't pout, and not allowing myself to be frustrated, but I won't lie... I am disappointed.

So, the Duke decided the other night that I was tired.  So he went around EARLY and turned all the clocks a head, which we never do until the next morning, and I always do it!... hmph.... and then?  Tells me I have ten minutes to get ready for bed. :(  I mean, the time doesn't change until 1:00, not at 9:00pm the night before.  Also, I was able to sleep in the next morning, so I saw no need for me to have to adjust to the time change before it actually happened!  LOL  Well, he thought differently.  I did ask for a bit more time, and he gave me fifteen more minutes... but still.  Yeah, I sulked.  lol  I was tired, and I sure did not do a good job proving otherwise.

Then last night happened.  The night before the landlords were up again, LOUD, until 2:00, we're going to have to talk to them.  And I had to be away from 9:45am until 11:00pm as it was.  So then my cats start showing me how much they missed me all day.  Literally, all over me.  :(  And then The Duke starts to snore.  Are you kidding me? :(  I might have gotten four hours of sleep, if that.  And I'm someone that literally can't function on less than eight hours of sleep.  I don't know why, but that's how I am.  So, I literally blame all of this on what happened last night.

I was cleaning, and saw our tin of instruments, and took the cane out.  Yep, you read that right.  I then went to The Duke and playfully threatened to give him a swat.  He grabbed hold of it so fast and tight that I couldn't even jokingly tap him with it.  I joked for a minute, trying to get it from him, but then I got frustrated.  Why couldn't I just jokingly swat him?  I didn't care that he kept telling me he did the spanking.  I finally got it free from him after quite the fight and gave him a joking tap on the backside.  As he turned around I tried to give another one on the other side and then walk away.  It was all going to stop there.  REALLY.  Only, I didn't realize his hand was in the way because I was doing it from an angle.  On his fully clothed but it would have barely been able to be felt.  On his hand though?  It still didn't hit hard, but harder than I meant.  I handed him the cane and in one swift move DARTED for the bedroom.  He was only a second behind me, but it was enough time for me to slam the door and lock it.

I apologized profusely!  Told him I was only joking around!  He told me to let him in, I just couldn't!  It was the cane, for goodness sakes.  I knew what was coming, and I couldn't handle it.  So, in horror movie like fashion, he starts knocking on the door witht he cane, and starts dragging it over the door.  *shivers*.  Finally he walks away.  I slowly open the door, and he bolts back up the hall, I slam the door again, still terrified.  Now you have to understand, we're still kind of laughing through all of this too.  My husband does not do serious very well.

So finally I am able to calm down and let him in.  He tells me there will only be a few spanks, but I will be spanked, WITH the cane.  *GULP*

I back into the corner of our room and tell him that I don't want to be spanked. 

Now keep in mind, we're both laughing at this point.

The Duke "Well, I want to spank you"
Me "Well, I want a million dollars"
The Duke (with evil grin) "Then don't you think it's fair that at least one of us gets what we want?"
Me (With hand extended forward) "Yeah, so hand over the money!"
The Duke "Turn around so I can spank you."
Me "No, not with the cane, we only use the cane for something serious" (which we've never used before, we've only used it to test it out once) "We only use it if I were to be really bad, like... stip in front of a group of men and try to tease them!"
The Duke "And what about swatting your husband, is that not serious?"
Me "Probably, but when you're all smily and laughing, it doesn't seem serious!"

Yeah, we just could not get into a serious mood!  LOL  So anyway, I got two swats... and as he was turning around to put the cane back in the tin, I gave him a playful swat!  WHAT????  No, that was NOT me!  So I got one more swat with the cane.  I was so tempted yet again to swat him, but this time I held it in!  I had to fist my hand to my side to stop it, but I managed.

I have to head to work, but just as I was writing that last paragraph The Duke came in with our new paddles from Blondie's place, and maintenance is tonight!  *GULP*  Will have to tell you all about this tomorrow!  hehehe, is it wrong that I'm slightly excited about getting them!

Telling A Friend + F.ree Mini E.book

OH MY GOODNESS, I DID IT! 

I was telling one of you just last night that I was feeling down because I couldn't tell anyone in my real life about DD.  And then a friend called at 11:30.  Me and two friends have this pact, no matter what time of day or night, if one of the three of us needs each other, we call, no matter what.

So it was literally not long after telling you, dear friend here in blogland, that I wished I could tell someone about it that I found myself telling her.  We talked for an hour an twelve minutes, I didn't count, lol, it's just what my phone said when I went to hit "end".  I'd say twenty minutes of it was talking about DD.  And the funny things was, just before she called I had told the friend on here that I was chatting with that I wouldn't tell anyone I know in person, that it'd just be our secret because of the fact that there are other areas of our life we NEVER tell anyone, and so I could make myself not tell this.  So it was a surprise to me to be talking about it so soon after!  But we do keep other secrets, like our bedroom.  I've never told anyone what happens there.  I mean, I've said we're intimate, but I've never told anyone how, what we do, positions, or anything like that.  And other things too are kept secret.  So why I felt I NEEDED to share this, I really don't know, but feel it I did.

This friend moved away over five years ago, but we still keep in touch.  She's still one of the three of us, and I love talking to her.  She has a psychology degree, and was very worried about the other relationship I'd had before meeting The Duke.  He was very manipulative, and at the time I couldn't see it, so she would sit down and show me how he was alienating me from my friends, trying to gain control of my life, and make me a submissive.  But he was doing so in a mean way.  It wasn't for my interests and own good that he was making me a submissive, it was for his.  But with all that had happened there, I was a bit worried, but still felt she was the person to tell, I kept feeling it in my gut "Tell her, Tell her". 

So why I felt that of all the people I should listen to that voice and tell, it would be okay to tell her, I feel that was a God thing, but tell her I did.  I won't lie, I put out feelers first.  I told her I'd been doing research on how to improve marriages, how lonely and hurt I was feeling in ours at the time, and how I'd stumbled upon DD.  I asked her what her thoughts were, would a couple that looked into this be crazy, and some other feeler questions.  And you know what?  SHE TOTALLY AGREES!  Wow!  So I just flat out admitted it to her, in stages to see how she was taking it, and she said it was our marriage, and to do what works for us.  She has a friend that told her about their D/s relationship, and from the sounds of what she told me, theirs is A LOT like how The Duke and I live.  After hearing about D/s she did A LOT of research, because she's just like me in that way. :)  At first I wasn't going to tell her I get spanked.  I just told her that I need structure, so I told her that if I don't exercise, he can take my laptop away, or if I eat too many treats then there are consequences.

She had read a book called All The Little Boys, or something like that, I'll have to double check the title.  Anyway, in it it talks about how the feminist movement has gone too far in some aspects, that a lot of men have no idea where they stand now, what their position is supposed to be, and feel lost because they have to fight their instinct to protect and lead.  These men lose direction in life, and their drive.  She said that in the book it showed how more and more women might have to step back and stop wearing the pants in the family for the men to start finding their footing in not only their marriages, but also their lives.

It was a great talk. I finally admitted to some spankings, didn't go into any detail, but did tell her that with my guilty complex, it really helped take the guilt off my shoulders that normally I'd carry around for weeks, and she thought that was great because she knows I do that.  She was so supportive and will keep my secret, she always has on anything.  She also told me that The Duke was just the man to do this with because everyone has always said how much he loves me.  You know, he makes mistakes, I make mistakes, and sometimes we disagree, or argue, but that man loves me, and really shows it.  No one I know has EVER questioned his love for me.  Everyone says they can see it just by how he looks at me.  How he changed when I came into his life.  That makes me feel so good. 

I also told her about how he's starting to be more confident, and she was so glad.  I love The Duke, but his mother ruled with such a firm hand while he was growing up that he was never allowed to try anything on his own, never allowed to make any decisions for himself, and so never learned that it's okay to make mistakes to learn.  So until our marriage he's been a huge bundle of fear of making mistakes, and I've been trying for five years to show him that even if he makes a mistake, I'm here, and now he's starting to step out.  Little things, but they're big to me! :)  He'll get there.  He'll realize taht we all make mistakes, and it's okay.  I'm still here.  Having a man lead is not something either of us grew up with, my mother dictated in our house too.  Both of our mothers had complete control, to the endth degree.  So this is such a learning curve for us, but I really feel we're getting there.

Two nights ago was supposed to be maintenance, but I hadn't seen my best friend in over a month because of my new schedule, so we hung out and The Duke and I agreed to wait until last night.  Only last night I had a massive migraine.  I couldn't even stand up without almost passing out from the pain.  We agreed to post pone it, and then he found out he had a worship practice all the sudden scheduled in, so that took the guilt off my shoulders! :)

So anyway, that is my life right now.  I feel so free now that my friend knows.  Even though she's single, I find she's the friend I learn the most about from on marriage in my real life.  It's funny, people would say the same about me when I was single, and I wasn't sure how much to believe them.  Now I totally understand. :)

Not all of this makes sense probably, still working on a migraine. :(  And I'm trying to type on my laptop while sharing my lap with a purring kitty cat. :)  But I hope it made enough sense to tell you how free I feel now to have someone here to talk about this, someone that knows both The Duke and I on a deep level.  She says I can totally go to her if I need to talk more.  *WHEW*  :)  She will probably be the only person I ever tell, the only person I know that is very open minded, but I'm glad I have that one person now. :)  She also was a longtime follower of my last blog, and checked it often, I haven't been on it since this one, so I told her why.  I don't think I'll give her my link ever, but did want her to know why I'd "stopped" blogging. ;)

There is a f.ree mini e.book today, only 56pgs, it does have Christian themes, I'll warn you, but if it helps anyone, here is the link.  It's free for now, not sure for how long, so you might just want to check the cost before clicking to buy if you want it for free. :)  If you read the last mini book I put up, it's by the same author.  My titles will now say F.ree E.book because I'm getting spam on the ones that say it without the periods, and not on any other posts.  So we'll see if this works. :)

10 Keys to Happy & Loving Relationships by Krystan Kuehn
amazon.ca - http://www.amazon.com/Keys-Happy-Loving-Relationships-ebook/dp/B004CYF5I2/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1362661346&sr=1-2&keywords=christian+marriage
amazon.com - http://www.amazon.com/Keys-Happy-Loving-Relationships-ebook/dp/B004CYF5I2/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1362663501&sr=1-1&keywords=10+keys+to+happy+%26+loving+relationships

Hubby The Duke

Way before DD, I used to watch the movie McLintock! and be SO JEALOUS that the women in it got to be taken over the knee.  I always wanted my husband to be that alpha male.  That man that would take charge, even if his wife needed a good spanking.  He knew who he was, what he was about, and what he wanted.  And he sure as heck wasn't afraid to stand up for it, or fight for it.

I have always loved the scene where the boy takes the girl over his lap, and instead of John Wayne, the dad, stepping in, what does he do?  He hands the boy a shovel from the fire to spank her with!  LOL  Love it!  That is what he is doing in the photo on the left. :)  He is using the same shovel while spanking his wife in the photo on the right, the boy handed it back to him so he could spank his wife later in the movie! :)  At least it's staying in the family. ;)  And when he's done spanking his wife, what does John Wayne do?  Hands it back to the boy saying he should keep it because he might need it again sometime!  lol

So when we were looking at names to call Hubby on here, we played around with Duke (as in a Lord in England), Captain and Head Honcho.  I decided to talk to Willie, because I knew if anyone knew all the hubby names in blog land, she's know most if not all. {Thanks Willie!}  I found out there was another hubby called Captain, so we striked that name out. And we had taken Duke off the list because it is also a name, and wasn't sure it would convey the title of leadership we wanted his nickname to have, but Honcho did not feel right either.

I told Hubby I wish I could find a way to call him something from McLintock!.  He told me that John Wayne was known as "The Duke", and maybe we should reconsider that name.  I have loved John Wayne since I don't know when, I know so many things about him, down to that his real name is Marion, but didn't realize he's been called the duke.  Now looking back, I have a vague memory of that, but still, not really.

 So, it's been decided! :)

Hubby will now be know as either "The Duke" or "Duke" on my blog. :)

So from now on, you won't have to hear him called just Hubby, but instead, Duke. :)  Thank you for your patience everyone as I looked at finding the perfect name for him here in Blogland. :)

PS, I have been trying to keep up with the blogs this week, but I'm about a day behind, and cannot get on tomorrow probably because I have a full day.  So if I haven't stopped by your blog in the last day, I will be catching up on Wednesday.  I think I'm only a day behind, sorry if it's more.  {{{HUGS}}}  You're all so great, and I'm sorry about getting behind.

I Need To Cry More

Maintenance tonight uncovered a new layer for us I think.  And it took over 200 swats to do so.  I never would have thought it was near that many, but Hubby assures me that he counted.  Wow, am I really that stubborn?

I've realized I need a longer spanking.  I've realized Hubby gives in too fast when I say it hurts, and we decided tonight he will no longer do so.  He started spanking me again, and next time refused to stop when I asked him too.

And we also learned that just because I've started crying, doesn't mean I've cried enough.

I can't believe how much we learned tonight.  My poor bottom!  And I have to sit on it all day at work tomorrow.  *GULP*  lol  Not going to be fun.  I would write more, but I've been ordered to bed, and want to share quickly below, in case you all want a good laugh! ;)

OH, and decided to change this pic...

To this pic.

I thought it was bad that the guy wasn't looking down at the girl.  And what did my Hubby say?  "Oh Good, I didn't want to tell you before, but it kind of looked like the girl was trying to give the guy, well, you know."

REALLY?  He thought that and wouldn't tell me and then let everyone see and maybe guess the same????  Okay, reminding myself that choking my husband is no longer an option.  I'm guessing it goes under the heading of "Disrespect" and maybe even "Dangerous"?  LOL