The New Year Ahead

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

So, I am not big on New Years Resolutions.  I never really make them.  But this year I am making one.

I don't know if anyone remembers when I did a list of submission exercises about four years ago, but I have been thinking on how to show the Duke intentional love, respect, and attention this year.  In thinking on this, I found myself back at our list of submission exercises, done over four posts, that I posted here.

I have decided I want to take the year and really study these more, study what others do, and come up with new ideas.  I may even do another post or two later on in the year if I get enough new ideas.  I just, really want to step up how I work on my submission, and how we make it more and more a part of our every day lives in small ways that just feed into the whole.

I also aim to write on here once a week.  Whether just to say hi, share some things I am learning about our dynamic and our roles, or to share some greatly profound insights. ;)

What are your plans for the new year?  What goals do you have? :)

In Case I Disappear :P LOL

So, apparently my life is constantly in danger, and no one ever warned me! :P

I have a basket on the back of my toilet that holds three rolls of toilet paper.  Whenever it gets down to one, I refill it.  Except lately I have somehow been missing to notice when it needs refilled until I'm the one on the toilet, staring at an empty toilet roll, AND an empty basket.

Three other adults in the house, and no one else fills it.  So I have come to the conclusion that the only real explanation to be had is that filling this basket is somehow extremely dangerous, and every time I fill it, I take my life into my own hands. :P

So if one day I all the sudden just disappear, you'll know the basket got the better of me. :P

Hmmm, I wonder if there is any way in DD to get this problem corrected... any suggestions? :P

- If you were hoping for a DD post, my last one was a few days ago. :) http://submittingtobeled.blogspot.ca/2017/12/the-beauty-of-inconsistency.html

The Beauty of Inconsistency

I have been banished to my room.  For some reason I am an emotional mess today.  I think it's having a migraine, too little sleep, and a toddler that knows way more than me, and fights to let me know it all day for the past three weeks.  So the Duke saw me near tears, and sent me for some alone time.  It was non negotiable.  I have Maria on in the background (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KCnx4XU59s) and taking some time to relax.  Maria is an ASMR artist (relaxation and tingles) that my best friend introduced me to about three years ago.  I don't get to listen to her often, but she helps me relax sometimes. :)   I'm also knitting Christmas stockings while banished to my room for the three of us, and taking a break to check in.

So, this month marks 5 years I've been blogging.  WHAT?!  A lot of the past couple years has really been hit and miss with a new baby, and then several issues for that baby, who is about to be 3!!  Can you believe it!?  But life is starting to hit a place where I feel I can finally balance and really hope to check in at least once a week.

So to describe what I've learned about consistency, you need to know what life is like a bit.  Since baby, the Duke had a major car accident and was a bit of a ride to recovery, we moved to a new town, my parents moved in, my mom was rushed to hospital and we weren't sure she'd ever be coming back and now stays in bed most of the time, I returned to working again from home before baby was one, the last two years of the Duke's job have been extremely stressful, and they keep threatening to fire him because he refuses to do some things that are just not right, and will now lose his job in January for sure by the sounds of it.  I have had several health issues, most of all migraines, almost all the time from lack of sleep due to little one's health issues.  They aren't major, but they do mean very little sleep most nights, as in months on end of 2-4 hours a night every night.

So, where does consistency fit into all of this?  It doesn't.  But beautifully so. Back five years ago, I would have been so upset, I would have been angry, and flung accusations at the Duke.  I would have pouted when alone, gone off and cried, and wondered why the Duke just couldn't step up and lead.  I would have been hurt, and took his inconsistency as a personal insult, and would have taken it to mean that I just wasn't worth it.  Yep, I was that woman, I look back and literally hang my head with heavy disappointment over my behaviour, how I let my mind go to the darkest place every time, and how I put so much pressure on the Duke.  Sure, the dark spots had a lot to do with losing our son a few years before, but it was also not knowing how to handle seemingly negative things in my life.

But now, things are different.  I have grown as a person so much.  The Duke works hard, and is super stressed from a job that constantly holds firing him over his head, while trying to make him feel like a naughty three year old all the time that needs to be checked up on and corrected all the time.  The turn over rate at his job is very high, yet he's been there over 12 years.  So when he comes home he then tries to balance our marriage, child, my parents, life and other things.  That doesn't leave much time for consistency.  And to be honest, I find that good in some ways.  I have found a new love for my husband.  A new appreciation that was never there before.  The Duke is not a natural born leader.  In fact, the Duke gets overwhelmed at times, and his brain freezes.  He doesn't want it to, and I won't lie, that trait can drive me crazy in a crisis because he literally can't move, but it's who he is.  10 years of marriage have proven that to me.  And in learning about the Duke more and more, I have this softness that has grown because of this trait, a protectiveness.  I realize our marriage is both of us fighting for each other, protecting each other, and taking care of each other.  My job is to protect this part of the Duke, to not reach the point where he is overwhelmed, and in turn, he is able to step up a lot more.

So what does this mean? 

It means when he calls me because he worries about probably being fired next month, that I'm there to encourage him, and let him know that if he gets fired, we'll find a way to make it work, that God has never not provided for our needs, and we're not going to start doubting now.  I let him know how proud I am of him for trying is best, his stats have gone way up the past few months.  And I let him know that I am very proud of him for refusing to budge on his morals to do better at his job.

It means that I know that intimacy is a great stress reliever, but the Duke rarely thinks of that when he is so stressed.  So it's my job to make sure he's taken care of in this area at least a few times a week.  It helps flush out the stress, it helps him feel connected to me, it helps take him out of the worry.

It means that when he's getting really down, I try to find ways to make him feel special.  Whether that be to go and get our dowel (because it's quiet) and let him know that if he needs some control in his life at that moment, to feel free to use it on me.  I look for ways to make him smile, like making food he likes, or letting him know when we have it in the budget to get take out because he likes takeout.  It means cleaning as much of the house as I can so that he doesn't come home and feel like he has to clean.  More and more I find my submissive self if I look for ways to meet the Duke's needs, especially during this time when normally the threat of losing his job would make him feel defeated, maybe even less like a real man.

I give, and I submit, and as I do these, as I feed into him, he feeds into me.  He's started giving me little spankings just because.  I actually got two this weekend, the stinker. ;)  He's gotten way more dominant in the bedroom again.  He gives me swat bys a few times a week now.  He grabs me in tight for a kiss more now.  He has started taking my emotional and physical health more seriously, and so I sit here alone in our room. :)  He's coming along beside me, and making me feel more important, and more cared for.

Things aren't consistent, but they are wonderful.  We understand each other more now, we have more grace, I see nothing lacking right now, even though punishments are non existent, though to be honest I haven't had time to get into trouble. :P  He is giving his very best to me right now.  His best.  And honestly, I look at how some days I struggle and work to give my all, and look at how little that is sometimes, and how can I be anything but grateful for him?  How could I even entertain the thought of asking him for more?  Of demanding he be something he isn't?  He is such a wonderful man, and no one is ever going to love me anywhere near as much as this man does.  We will probably never be 100% consistent... and I actually find that beautiful.  If there are great DD couples, we wouldn't measure up, and even that makes me smile.  As I said a few days ago, we're just us, and I love that. :)  I am so thankful to be living this live with him.  Good days, bad days, and everything in between.  I am so thankful.

A Bit (A LOT) Personal :)

Whether you are new to DD, D/s or what have you, or you've been practicing for a while, hopefully you have heard it said that you need to make DD your own.

Sometimes I want to talk about things we do to encourage submission, but then, some of those things we do were greatly frowned upon by some blogs when I first started out, and so I shied away from ever sharing.

I don't think I've ever shared this before, but maybe I have.  We have told you we have a toy chest, so you may have guessed anyway.  We use... um... bottom plugs.  There.  *gulp*  We use them.  It may not shock anyone, but we grew up so conservative that I don't normally talk about this stuff.  We don't use them a lot, but we do find they put me in a submissive mindset in a way that nothing else does.  It makes me feel small, owned, cared for, and I feel the need to submit to the core of my being.

In the beginning, I read a popular blog that said that a couple should never use them because the only point in using them was to degrade and humiliate the woman.  I was so disappointed. 

We hadn't tried one yet, but I really wanted to for some reason, and somehow, I let their words be rule.  Thankfully the Duke and I realized through the course of DD that we wanted to take the step to try one.  That it would never be used to harm me, or lower me in his eyes in any way.  And have we ever been blessed that we tried.  It brings me to a place of complete calm that I am not sure I ever feel any way else.  Those of you that know I'm a Christian, please don't get me wrong, I have felt calm with God as well, but I think God uses even this moment with the Duke to show me the complete calm I can feel in submission, be it to Him, or the Duke, in a real, tangible way.

So this week we got a new set.  I was so excited and terrified all at the same time as one was bigger than I'd ever tried before.  But the Duke wanted me to try it, and I wanted to please him so much.  He was so patient with me, and I was really proud of myself afterwards.  I reached a level of calm and feeling submissive that I just didn't know existed.  I think mostly from how the Duke supported and encouraged me and really showed me how much he had me and that I could trust him.

So, just another way we make DD, D/s our own.  I feel submission in the center of my chest.  Literally, it's not just psychological or emotional, I feel the weight just below the center of my collar bone.  It is one of the few things in life that make me feel like I am living my purpose.

What rules did you think there were in DD when you started that you had to break for the sake of your marriage? :)

I know I have many.  These may work for your marriage, but they didn't for ours.  Some of them are:

- There should be no intimacy after a spanking, it will only reward the tih.  -  But if I've been really punished, I need that connection afterwards, not as a reward, but because I'm so utterly open and vulnerable, and need to feel his strength.
- We needed to have a list of rules.  -  That didn't work, it was too much micromanaging that the Duke didn't have time for and made me feel trapped.  The Duke and I both know when I've crossed a line in what is appropriate behaviour, we don't need a list of rules to tell us.
- The husband always has to be consistent.  -  And that would be nice, but life doesn't work that way, especially with little one and parents living in the house with us.  To expect him of it really messed up our marriage for a while.  Now I know he is when he can be, and that he's not neglecting me if he can't.

I say we're DD and D/s, but not even sure that applies to us.  We're us.  I hope you're making your marriage yours as well.  It won't look like anyone else's.  That's not only okay, it's BEAUTIFUL.  Find the things that make you different and celebrate it.  Different does not mean wrong.  I thought I was so different the Duke could never deal with me.  Now he not only meets the needs I hid, he insists on meeting them for me to be a happier woman.  He likes meeting my needs now, when I used to worry he'd think I was a complete freak.

Dominant Men

I am writing this post on Sunday, and post dating a few days so that I'm not double posting on the same day.

I read a line yesterday or the day before that ripped me apart, and also made me angry.

"A dominant man will always destroy a marriage."

WHAT!?

My goodness the world is getting very opinionated, I know... I am one of them, but I really try to hide a lot of my opinions, and work on taming them.  But this one hurt, and then, as I said, angered me.  I think the world too often links the words dominant with dictator, abuser, and utterly selfish behaviour together.

Yes, there is a kind of dominance that can kill a marriage.  A man that never listens to his wife, who belittles her, who demands more and more from her with never giving a thing in return. A man who seeks to humiliate, dehumanize, and torture the one he is supposed to love.

BUT, there is a huge, gigantic BUT in here.  There are dominant men who make marriages thrive, who bring new life when a marriage looks dead, who comes in on his brave white horse and saves the day.  Those men, those men do not kill marriages.  They make their wives feel loved again.  They make them feel wanted.  They make them feel desired.  They lavish love, attention and care on them.  They share their burdens, and help lighten their loads.  They let their wives know they aren't alone, they have help, they are protected, they are worth all they have to give, and more.  These men come in and heal, restore, and bring balance.

I feel there should be two totally different words for these two types of men, and until there is, the two should never, ever, be lumped in together in the same group.  I want a dominant man.  I want that.  I want the kind I described second because our marriage thrives with that man, and almost died before this side of him came out.

Disagreements - Because We Both Can Win

I haven't been on in a while, and I'm often saying that.  I'm so sorry.  I'm still finding it hard to manage marriage, child, job, parents moving in, hubby's job on the line YET again, drama with family, some unexpected drama with friends, and on and on.  But, as life spirals more and more out of control, I needed to look at the Duke and let him know I REALLY need him now more than ever.  This constant hanging on the fence of DD, D/s needed to stop.  So I was looking for advice online to help us, and found this blog called "God's Gift To Him."  It is from 2009 and 2010.  Man, how have I NEVER found this blog before???  I have only read a few posts, but they're AMAZING.  I love, love, LOVE this paragraph here!  It is a post written by the husband.


"So today I want to talk about disagreements because you have asked much about them.  Does being the leader mean my wife never gets her way?  no.  NO NO NO NO NO.  In fact, when any struggle for power, any struggle to come out on top is removed, I’m MUCH more inclined to listen better to her, to really understand her and then to make a decision that is best for US.  Before, I wanted my way, would shout my side, would fight to win.  Life is easier this way even if she gets her way more often.  Now that there is no struggle, winning doesn’t matter, what’s best for us matters.  The problem is, she’s so smart that she’s often right.  Before, admitting it meant I lost, now admitting means We win."

This is us.  This is the Duke and I.  When people don't understand why I want to be a submissive wife, when they say that's degrading, and stupid, and I obviously have no respect for myself, I just want to scream that they don't understand.  But this, this paragraph, sums up so much I wish they understood so awesomely!  I actually get my way more often in being submissive.  I am much happier.  I am trusted, my value is seen, I am listened to, not just in words, but in entire meaning.  What I say, think, feel, it matters way more now.  I honestly cannot think of one thing I have sacrificed in being submissive.  I can give you a list of one hundred things, or more that are better, but I honestly cannot say one way in which being submissive has been wrong for me.