So before I tell you about the great things about my blog now, I wanted to tell you what a horrible wife I am! My husband has had a scratch down the back of his tricep for several days now. I asked how he got it two days ago, but he shrugged me off, so I assumed that meant he didn't know how he got it, and it was probably one of the cats crawling over him while he was sleeping.
WELLLLL.... it happened while he was sleeping alright! And it was me who did it! He told me so last night. I told him I didn't see how I could have, but he was adamant that it was me. He didn't want me to feel bad, but I was laughing so hard not believing him, that he started to push to show he was right. I still don't know how I could have done it, but I have started debating on cutting my nails now. I used to bite them, and less than ten years ago, stopped. But it wasn't until the past couple of years that I've actually been able to grow them, and I love how long they are. Not freakishly long, but probably 1/4 of an inch. Now to see if I decide to clip them off. :( :( No, there won't be any tears, but I will be a bit sad. I don't want to hurt Hubby. The scratch is a good four inches long, if not longer, and it could be worse next time.
So... now about the changes in my blog. I am starting to feel that my blog is starting to reflect who I am, bit by bit, the look of it is more of who I am.
I spent today working on my Profile Photo. The heart with the DD in it was only supposed to be temporary until I could find a photo with a woman kneeling before a man. But the more I looked, the more I couldn't find what I had in mind. So I decided today to try a silhouette like Jack and Jill use for theirs. I played around with it until I liked it, but still, it seemed empty, and after a while, decided to put our cats in for a little extra. LOL It just did not look right without. I promise, I love my cats, but am not obsessed. LOL And then I added the DD at the top right of the heart. (I have since removed the cats and put in hearts)
The reason I wanted a woman kneeling before a man is because I felt it would help show my submissive dream. The want to kneel before my husband and let him be in control, trusting him with my vulnerability. To me, for a Profile Photo, a woman kneeling before a man was the best way to show my want for a submissive state of mind. I fudged a bit, she's skinnier than me... with bigger boobs! ;) But in all honesty, I was just aiming to draw a man and a woman, not necessarily my Hubby and I. :)
Also, the tagline I have on my Title Bar now is something I love. I looked up shotgun to see how it was spelt, one word, or two. And in looking it up, I learned that to ride shotgun is a term from times of war. One person would drive the vehicle, the other would have their back by having a gun at the ready to shoot anyone that came at them. I would like to think that not only have I given my husband the wheel in our relationship, I would like to think that I have his back as well. It seemed to further solidify my desire to have "Riding Shotgun So Hubby Can Take The Wheel" as my tagline. It just made it even more perfect.
The title bar I had before I had designed myself, and then played around with it today to make it right for my new blog name. I drew everything except the words, which I just used fonts for in Paint Shop Pro. But if anything looks not quite right in it, feel free to let me know so I can fix it. :) I almost didn't keep the butterflies, but then I wanted the background to still match, so I put them on the title words... hopefully that looks okay. :) I didn't want to have to redesign my background yet. :) It took a lot of work to make it, and am not ready to tackle a new background as well yet. :)
So for those of you that have me on your blogrolls, I believe it will stay as "My Journey Into DD" unless you change it, but anyone knew adding me to a blogroll will see me as "Submitting To Be Led". If you didn't read my post a few weeks ago, this name change is because there is a blog called "My Journey In DD" and I felt kind of bad that I didn't realize how close I'd made my blog name to another's when I started. They never mentioned the similarities, but I still felt bad. And this new title seems to fit me more now. :)
Have a good night all.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Hubby's Haircut
First of all, I will be changing my blog name. :) The link will remain the same. :)
My new name will be "Submitting To Be Led", and I still haven't decided fully on the tag line with "Jumping into the passenger seat and giving Hubby the Wheel", I might keep it, might not. As you can see, I've already started work on the title, but will probably play around with it a bit more before it's completely finished. I just want to give you all a heads up before the name officially changes though. Even though the link will be the same, it'll probably show up with the new name on your blog rolls.
So.... in trying to be submissive tonight, I didn't use good judgement.
Hubby has been needing a haircut for a month now. I'm the only one that has cut his hair since we married over five years ago, and since I've been sick, it hasn't gotten done. Tonight at 10:00pm he asked if I was too tired to cut his hair.
I was tired, but wanted to please him, so I said if he'd get the chair and the scissors and comb while I ran to the washroom, I'd do it. About five minutes in I realized I was more tired than I thought. But I couldn't very well quit and have half of his head several inches short than the other. So I decided to try the electric trimmer and put it on 3/4' length. But I've never used it, and I couldn't get it to this time. I don't know if it's not working from lack of use, or it just never worked. So, discouraged, I put it away after trying for two to three minutes and attacked his hair again.
And then I did something I've NEVER done before. I cut myself. I had put the scissors too close to where my index and middle finger meet, and there is now a V shaped cut about 1/4' in length on either side of the V, the tip of the scissors had closed in over my skin. I couldn't believe it. So I finished up, being much more careful, and his hair looks pretty good. I admit, it probably could have been a tad bit more styled, but he never cares if it is or not. He just wants it off his ears and neck, and could care less if there is any style to it or not. So I have a happy Hubby, my cut is cleaned and stopped bleeding, and in about ten minutes I'm off to bed.
Lesson Learned? If Hubby asks for something, make sure I'm actually able to do it safely. If I made a mistake and cut myself, how likely could I have been to cut his ear or neck? So it was good that I tried to please Hubby, not so good that I didn't realize my limitations. He admitted to me that is why he had checked to see if I was too tired, and I should have been more honest. But at least it's done for the next two to three months. :) And for that, I'm grateful. :)
My new name will be "Submitting To Be Led", and I still haven't decided fully on the tag line with "Jumping into the passenger seat and giving Hubby the Wheel", I might keep it, might not. As you can see, I've already started work on the title, but will probably play around with it a bit more before it's completely finished. I just want to give you all a heads up before the name officially changes though. Even though the link will be the same, it'll probably show up with the new name on your blog rolls.
So.... in trying to be submissive tonight, I didn't use good judgement.
Hubby has been needing a haircut for a month now. I'm the only one that has cut his hair since we married over five years ago, and since I've been sick, it hasn't gotten done. Tonight at 10:00pm he asked if I was too tired to cut his hair.
I was tired, but wanted to please him, so I said if he'd get the chair and the scissors and comb while I ran to the washroom, I'd do it. About five minutes in I realized I was more tired than I thought. But I couldn't very well quit and have half of his head several inches short than the other. So I decided to try the electric trimmer and put it on 3/4' length. But I've never used it, and I couldn't get it to this time. I don't know if it's not working from lack of use, or it just never worked. So, discouraged, I put it away after trying for two to three minutes and attacked his hair again.
And then I did something I've NEVER done before. I cut myself. I had put the scissors too close to where my index and middle finger meet, and there is now a V shaped cut about 1/4' in length on either side of the V, the tip of the scissors had closed in over my skin. I couldn't believe it. So I finished up, being much more careful, and his hair looks pretty good. I admit, it probably could have been a tad bit more styled, but he never cares if it is or not. He just wants it off his ears and neck, and could care less if there is any style to it or not. So I have a happy Hubby, my cut is cleaned and stopped bleeding, and in about ten minutes I'm off to bed.
Lesson Learned? If Hubby asks for something, make sure I'm actually able to do it safely. If I made a mistake and cut myself, how likely could I have been to cut his ear or neck? So it was good that I tried to please Hubby, not so good that I didn't realize my limitations. He admitted to me that is why he had checked to see if I was too tired, and I should have been more honest. But at least it's done for the next two to three months. :) And for that, I'm grateful. :)
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Words From My Grampy
So my Grampy called today. He is the only grandparent I have left, and being in my thirties, I feel very blessed to still have him.
Somehow we got to talking about marriage, and he brought up how marriages today had things all messed up. He talked about how it used to be that men did what they thought was best for the marriage, and women obeyed. There was no power struggle, and the marriage worked because one person had to be in charge, both couldn't be. If he had talked about this last year I would have placated him and agreed while quietly thinking how sad it was that he had it all wrong.
But tonight? I told him that that is how Hubby and I live our life now. I told him that I have given the reigns over to Hubby, and that I still help make decisions, but that now I obey Hubby, and if we can't come to an agreement to something, I step back and give way for Hubby to lead. He said that was good, but only if my husband treated me with love. He said obedience can only be given to one who truly loves. So I told him that Hubby really does love me, and shared with him the story the other night of Hubby making me lie down because he was afraid I'd fall. My Grampy was so proud of my Hubby, and seemed very pleased with what I told him about how we've decided to do our marriage. I did not tell him about the rest of the DD dynamic, that is just for us. But if you had told me that the person I know in real life to know the most about our lifestyle in any form would be my Grampy, I would have flat out told you that you were freakin' out of your MIND! lol
But it felt right to tell him, for some reason. Now, my Grampy is a big man, and even in his late seventies I'd worry that he could take Hubby on and do real damage, so even if I was tempted, I'd never share about the spankings, just in case, but still, I feel so much freer!
Tonight was another maintenance. Let me just say, my other cat is back home, and HE'S A BIG TRAITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's been home for a few weeks now, and apparently has figured out that spanking time is no threat to him, the little Brat. So I'm getting spanked, and he comes to the bed and meows, and then jumps up. Looks around for a minute, then walks over my trembling legs and comes up to my head to be petted! I'm otk, with Hubby sitting up with his back near the headboard. As if this weren't bad enough, my cat leaves for a minute, and then comes back, and literally lays down to take a nap with his back pressed into my flailing legs, his butt less than a foot away from where mine is taking a beating. Seriously??? And then Hubby holds the wooden spoon he's been using up to the brat, he rubs his face against it, all purry like. I sit up and hold it up and he'll have nothing to do with it. Hubby holds it up again and he rubs his face over it again.
I'm no longer Queen Bee!!!!! :( Everyone in the house officially knows it now. This actually hurts a little. Me and my wounded pride are just going to go off and sulk in a corner for a while. Hopefully we'll be back out for breakfast! ;) ;) (Not an official corner time, just me sulking in my head) lol
Somehow we got to talking about marriage, and he brought up how marriages today had things all messed up. He talked about how it used to be that men did what they thought was best for the marriage, and women obeyed. There was no power struggle, and the marriage worked because one person had to be in charge, both couldn't be. If he had talked about this last year I would have placated him and agreed while quietly thinking how sad it was that he had it all wrong.
But tonight? I told him that that is how Hubby and I live our life now. I told him that I have given the reigns over to Hubby, and that I still help make decisions, but that now I obey Hubby, and if we can't come to an agreement to something, I step back and give way for Hubby to lead. He said that was good, but only if my husband treated me with love. He said obedience can only be given to one who truly loves. So I told him that Hubby really does love me, and shared with him the story the other night of Hubby making me lie down because he was afraid I'd fall. My Grampy was so proud of my Hubby, and seemed very pleased with what I told him about how we've decided to do our marriage. I did not tell him about the rest of the DD dynamic, that is just for us. But if you had told me that the person I know in real life to know the most about our lifestyle in any form would be my Grampy, I would have flat out told you that you were freakin' out of your MIND! lol
But it felt right to tell him, for some reason. Now, my Grampy is a big man, and even in his late seventies I'd worry that he could take Hubby on and do real damage, so even if I was tempted, I'd never share about the spankings, just in case, but still, I feel so much freer!
Tonight was another maintenance. Let me just say, my other cat is back home, and HE'S A BIG TRAITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's been home for a few weeks now, and apparently has figured out that spanking time is no threat to him, the little Brat. So I'm getting spanked, and he comes to the bed and meows, and then jumps up. Looks around for a minute, then walks over my trembling legs and comes up to my head to be petted! I'm otk, with Hubby sitting up with his back near the headboard. As if this weren't bad enough, my cat leaves for a minute, and then comes back, and literally lays down to take a nap with his back pressed into my flailing legs, his butt less than a foot away from where mine is taking a beating. Seriously??? And then Hubby holds the wooden spoon he's been using up to the brat, he rubs his face against it, all purry like. I sit up and hold it up and he'll have nothing to do with it. Hubby holds it up again and he rubs his face over it again.
I'm no longer Queen Bee!!!!! :( Everyone in the house officially knows it now. This actually hurts a little. Me and my wounded pride are just going to go off and sulk in a corner for a while. Hopefully we'll be back out for breakfast! ;) ;) (Not an official corner time, just me sulking in my head) lol
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Wonderful, Blissful, Evening
Well, I know many of you out there have been told to get off the computer. Have any of you ever been told to get on? Because that is what my husband told me to do just a few minutes ago.
"I want you to lay down, and get on the computer. I just brought it to you, it's on the bed, I want you to lay down, or sit down with it."
Okay, before you go thinking I'm getting spoiled, I should admit what happened just before hand to warrant the order he issued. :) I wrestle with hypoglycemia. Meaning when certain events happen I end up with low sugars. I've struggled with this since I was in my teens. Well, for some reasons the meds I'm on right now are really robbing my sugars. I'm shaking at times, finding it hard to walk, and last night couldn't even get up. I couldn't even lift the glass of chocolate milk to my lips and my husband had to do it for me. I was very humbled, but also very scared. So tonight my husband helped me wash my hair over the side of the tub, I felt I shouldn't take a shower. And thank goodness I listened to the voice in my head, because as I was brushing my hair out, I started to shake, and then when I went to flip my hair beside the door frame, I ended up falling into it. :( My husband told me to lay down. I told him I wanted to do half an hour of house work tonight, and that I'd be okay, I even asked to do just twenty minutes. And then I got the order you see above.
Ah... I love that man. And he SOOOO helped me get out of my funk today. He came and had my lunch time with me. :) He then picked up Swiss Chalet for supper and got me a treat. We came home, had our food, and then called his mom for a bit. Then he pulled out a game, and I TOTALLY kicked his butt. :) He wasn't even half way around the board when I finished. I NEVER win games, never. I feel so good, not in a gloating way, but that I didn't end up the loser once again. :) And great, if you had been here right now, you would have definitely called me a loser! I just spelt it looser when typing it out. LOL
His friend tried to hang out with him again and he told him no, that tonight was my night! I really, really needed tonight to reconnect. I needed to just spend time with Hubby, talking, joking, laughing. It feels so great to be one with him again. So now I submit while sitting on my laptop. He told me this was for my own good, and he's right. Yes, I want to clean, but it isn't worth if it I end up in the wall, or worse. The meds are kicking the infection's butt, I can already see a big difference. Here's hoping I survive the meds though. LOL You know, just seeing him telling his friend no tonight, and putting his foot down with me, he's really growing. Five or six months ago, I don't think he would have done either.
Thank you all for your support yesterday, once again, you guys rock. I got about 7 hours of sleep last night, maybe a bit more, and I think that helped a lot too. :) Though, my precious, adorable, love of my life cat WILL be spending the night in the bathroom! I LOVE him, but he also is the reason I didn't end up with 9 hours of sleep instead. He's lucky I love him or else he'd be deported instead of just spending the night in the bathroom! lol
"I want you to lay down, and get on the computer. I just brought it to you, it's on the bed, I want you to lay down, or sit down with it."
Okay, before you go thinking I'm getting spoiled, I should admit what happened just before hand to warrant the order he issued. :) I wrestle with hypoglycemia. Meaning when certain events happen I end up with low sugars. I've struggled with this since I was in my teens. Well, for some reasons the meds I'm on right now are really robbing my sugars. I'm shaking at times, finding it hard to walk, and last night couldn't even get up. I couldn't even lift the glass of chocolate milk to my lips and my husband had to do it for me. I was very humbled, but also very scared. So tonight my husband helped me wash my hair over the side of the tub, I felt I shouldn't take a shower. And thank goodness I listened to the voice in my head, because as I was brushing my hair out, I started to shake, and then when I went to flip my hair beside the door frame, I ended up falling into it. :( My husband told me to lay down. I told him I wanted to do half an hour of house work tonight, and that I'd be okay, I even asked to do just twenty minutes. And then I got the order you see above.
Ah... I love that man. And he SOOOO helped me get out of my funk today. He came and had my lunch time with me. :) He then picked up Swiss Chalet for supper and got me a treat. We came home, had our food, and then called his mom for a bit. Then he pulled out a game, and I TOTALLY kicked his butt. :) He wasn't even half way around the board when I finished. I NEVER win games, never. I feel so good, not in a gloating way, but that I didn't end up the loser once again. :) And great, if you had been here right now, you would have definitely called me a loser! I just spelt it looser when typing it out. LOL
His friend tried to hang out with him again and he told him no, that tonight was my night! I really, really needed tonight to reconnect. I needed to just spend time with Hubby, talking, joking, laughing. It feels so great to be one with him again. So now I submit while sitting on my laptop. He told me this was for my own good, and he's right. Yes, I want to clean, but it isn't worth if it I end up in the wall, or worse. The meds are kicking the infection's butt, I can already see a big difference. Here's hoping I survive the meds though. LOL You know, just seeing him telling his friend no tonight, and putting his foot down with me, he's really growing. Five or six months ago, I don't think he would have done either.
Thank you all for your support yesterday, once again, you guys rock. I got about 7 hours of sleep last night, maybe a bit more, and I think that helped a lot too. :) Though, my precious, adorable, love of my life cat WILL be spending the night in the bathroom! I LOVE him, but he also is the reason I didn't end up with 9 hours of sleep instead. He's lucky I love him or else he'd be deported instead of just spending the night in the bathroom! lol
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Blah
I don't really have anything to share. I'm just in sort of a funk... and not sure what to do about it.
I guess most of it's because my husband and I haven't really had any time in a few days to talk to each other. So tonight when we tried maintenance, I really couldn't connect. We'd had no time together since Tuesday or Wednesday, and I was feeling the disconnect. I couldn't get to the submissive state, no matter how much I told myself to, or tried.
He has a friend that has been very needy all the sudden, and wants to spend all his time with my husband, and so that hasn't helped either. :(
I know I'm just being whinny, I hear myself and I CRINGE. Yikes, who is this woman!?
Hopefully I'll scare her away in the next few days and find my normal, more rational self. In the mean time, I'm off to get some NEEDED sleep. Another long day at work tomorrow. *AUGH* I so need another day off, and I've only been back for two days! I'm such a baby. :(
Side note, I didn't lose my voice at work yesterday or today, had moments when it threatened to, but it stayed! So the meds must be working. :) Night all. Sleep well. :)
I guess most of it's because my husband and I haven't really had any time in a few days to talk to each other. So tonight when we tried maintenance, I really couldn't connect. We'd had no time together since Tuesday or Wednesday, and I was feeling the disconnect. I couldn't get to the submissive state, no matter how much I told myself to, or tried.
He has a friend that has been very needy all the sudden, and wants to spend all his time with my husband, and so that hasn't helped either. :(
I know I'm just being whinny, I hear myself and I CRINGE. Yikes, who is this woman!?
Hopefully I'll scare her away in the next few days and find my normal, more rational self. In the mean time, I'm off to get some NEEDED sleep. Another long day at work tomorrow. *AUGH* I so need another day off, and I've only been back for two days! I'm such a baby. :(
Side note, I didn't lose my voice at work yesterday or today, had moments when it threatened to, but it stayed! So the meds must be working. :) Night all. Sleep well. :)
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Spankful for Bas!
I am so excited to get in on this day to honour Bas!!!! Because he's just great. Honestly, he's just amazing. So sweet, so gentle, yet firm when he needs to be. I see him as a slight father figure to the community, a great joker and teaser, wonderful friend, and a tell it like it needs to be, kind of guy. :)
I just want to say before I write, that someone joked what it would be like to spank Bas today. I am guessing that even without a spanking, one set of his cheeks is going to be very red today! ;) Who wouldn't after all the wonderful comments and love sent their way. :)
Here are some of Bas' words of
One day I was writing about the changes I was seeing in me because of DD. He wrote:
Es May, those are a lot of big changes. The biggest change might be that you like the changes. You're not worked up that he made you change. Now, how wonderful is that? I can imagine that he feels worried about the bruising. Let's be honest, it is strange to inflict pain and bruises to the one you love.
One night I was quite upset with maintenance. I was new to it, and had been so very good that week, and it really messed me up to have such a spanking when I WAS being good. Bas wrote:
Sorry, but maintenance cannot be avoided by being a good girl. Actually maintenance is specifically meant for good girls, to ensure that they remain good. Life is not always fair to good girls, but they don't get punishment spankings. That must be worth a lot! - How true his words were
Just last week, after reading his blog for months, I finally realized that my link to my blog is almost identical to the link to his blog, and seriously debated changing it. He, in his ever sweet and generous way said:
Hi Es May,
For me you don't have to change the link to your blog.
I kind of like seeing your bloglink, it tells me that I, as a non-English speaker, didn't use total gibberish when I named the blog.
In the same post I worried my Hubby might make me start going with the no bottoms rule some bloggers have right now. He was cute in saying:
The no-panties rule is universal in Blogland. How else can he put his hand on your bottom, to protect you during the night?
When Bas was not feeling well, and commented how more people online said they were thinking and praying for him than the people he knew, I wrote and told him how I feel so connected to this community too. He replied:
Es May, these bonds are very real. When I read about "my 2 boys in Heaven", I feel your pain.
Thank you for your prayers.
I already thought the guy was amazing before this, after that... my heart just melted for the guy. What a Sweetie!
Thank you so much, Bas, for all that you give to us! It really does mean so much! You are great, and we all just love you. :) Thank you for loving us all back.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
The First Steps Back
Last night went better than I thought it would be. Yes, we still have ground to cover, but we make great strides!
My husband told me it was time for maintenance last night. I really needed more time to talk, and admitted it to him. I went with him, but asked if we could clarify a few things before he took me over his knee. He said yes.
I told him it was great that he was seeing how I needed this, and how it would help him as well. Yet, I needed to know his commitment level. He admitted he was very committed. But I could tell by how he was talking that he was committed to trying this with me, but I needed to know if we were committed to this for life.
If I can break down my final walls to be totally submissive to him, I'm not sure I would know how to put them back if he backed away from DD. Also, if I make myself that openly vulnerable to him... I'm afraid of going back. I'm also, as I stated in my last post, needing to not be in control anymore. But I'd much rather have to stay in control than to give it away, only to be told later I need to be in control again because DD isn't what he might like. I think once I can let go, it would be too depressing to go back.
But he is committed! :) He told me he understood this is for life. He told me he knew I needed to have the consistency, to have him step up, and for him to be in control. I told him that more than control, I needed him to lead, and I was submitting myself to let him lead me, to guide me.
It was a great talk, much more was said, but I can't remember it all. And then he gave me the longest spanking I've had yet, though I don't know if it was the hardest. Still, I'm surprised my bottom barely hurts today. He gave me a long lecture/talk time of things I need to work on, ways I'm doing good, doing better, and how we're going to move forward. He was doing the warm up at this time, and after 40-50 swats I said "I thought we were doing a warm up!?" Not nasty, only in shock, but boy did it already sting a LOT. He checked on me a few times during the spanking to see how I was doing, he used the bathbrush, and then he got me to do corner time and talked to me again, reaffirming all he talked to me about before.
I asked Hubby afterwards when we'd do another maintenance, he looked at me wide eyed and said "Saturday, like usual." So I admitted that I think I'll need at least one more in between, probably two if I'm going to get to a real state of submission. He said we could do that, and then we just cuddled.
Knowing I have his commitment, knowing we have clear steps to make this work for us, I have so much peace. I was told today to rest, and I did. My house is not clean, and normally that would freak me right out. But not today. Knowing I'm not allowed to wear myself out is great. Knowing he's taking care of me this way... makes me feel so loved, so secure. So even though I didn't feel really submissive last night, now that I've thought about his rules for me today, I really do now. I can't believe the change. I didn't think we'd accomplish this much in a day. We never could have before DD.
So if you read yesterday, you can see how much better I'm feeling emotionally today. :) Thank you all for your support. It was great to have you all behind me. Not having anyone to talk to here, I really needed that, and am so thankful for you all! {{{HUGS}}}
My husband told me it was time for maintenance last night. I really needed more time to talk, and admitted it to him. I went with him, but asked if we could clarify a few things before he took me over his knee. He said yes.
I told him it was great that he was seeing how I needed this, and how it would help him as well. Yet, I needed to know his commitment level. He admitted he was very committed. But I could tell by how he was talking that he was committed to trying this with me, but I needed to know if we were committed to this for life.
If I can break down my final walls to be totally submissive to him, I'm not sure I would know how to put them back if he backed away from DD. Also, if I make myself that openly vulnerable to him... I'm afraid of going back. I'm also, as I stated in my last post, needing to not be in control anymore. But I'd much rather have to stay in control than to give it away, only to be told later I need to be in control again because DD isn't what he might like. I think once I can let go, it would be too depressing to go back.
But he is committed! :) He told me he understood this is for life. He told me he knew I needed to have the consistency, to have him step up, and for him to be in control. I told him that more than control, I needed him to lead, and I was submitting myself to let him lead me, to guide me.
It was a great talk, much more was said, but I can't remember it all. And then he gave me the longest spanking I've had yet, though I don't know if it was the hardest. Still, I'm surprised my bottom barely hurts today. He gave me a long lecture/talk time of things I need to work on, ways I'm doing good, doing better, and how we're going to move forward. He was doing the warm up at this time, and after 40-50 swats I said "I thought we were doing a warm up!?" Not nasty, only in shock, but boy did it already sting a LOT. He checked on me a few times during the spanking to see how I was doing, he used the bathbrush, and then he got me to do corner time and talked to me again, reaffirming all he talked to me about before.
I asked Hubby afterwards when we'd do another maintenance, he looked at me wide eyed and said "Saturday, like usual." So I admitted that I think I'll need at least one more in between, probably two if I'm going to get to a real state of submission. He said we could do that, and then we just cuddled.
Knowing I have his commitment, knowing we have clear steps to make this work for us, I have so much peace. I was told today to rest, and I did. My house is not clean, and normally that would freak me right out. But not today. Knowing I'm not allowed to wear myself out is great. Knowing he's taking care of me this way... makes me feel so loved, so secure. So even though I didn't feel really submissive last night, now that I've thought about his rules for me today, I really do now. I can't believe the change. I didn't think we'd accomplish this much in a day. We never could have before DD.
So if you read yesterday, you can see how much better I'm feeling emotionally today. :) Thank you all for your support. It was great to have you all behind me. Not having anyone to talk to here, I really needed that, and am so thankful for you all! {{{HUGS}}}
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Can We Get Back? Maybe Better Than Before?
I am sorry I haven't been writing. I have been sick. That's all there is to it. S.I.C.K!
I hate being sick, but being sick for over two months now? That totally sucks. :( I finally went back to the doctor's last night, for the third time in over just a month. It's a clinic, so I've had a different doctor each time. I can get into my family doctor, but it's usually a few weeks wait, which is why we have the clinics for things that need to be dealt with more immediately but aren't severe enough for a trip to the emergency room.
This doctor told me he wasn't surprised I was sick as long as I was. He told me I should have had a longer dose of the last antibiotic I was given, and told me to take FOUR days off of work. Luckily I have two of those days off anyway, so it saves the budget. :) He joked with me when he gave me the prescription for a new antibiotic, 14 days worth! and the note for work that if this and the nasal spray he gave me didn't work, he'd just shoot me next time. ;) I had a good laugh, he was a nice, funny doctor.
So anyway, I want to blame all of this on why my Saturday night with Hubby was SOOOOOOO BAD! Why I couldn't submit. But it honestly isn't the reason. And from here on in, if I don't make total sense, please forgive me.
So on Saturday night Hubby told me it was time for maintenance. I told him I didn't want to do it. My head is so fuzzy right now, I can't recall all that went on, but I will tell you what I do remember.
I told him I didn't want to do DD right then. I told him I was getting such mixed signals from him, that I didn't know if I was coming or going, or what. He hasn't been stepping up to hold me accountable to anything lately. Yes, I know part of this is because I'm sick, but being sick so long, we were just getting into a groove when I got sick, and it was so soon into our DD relationship, that I feel it's messed everything up.
But since the punishments have been lacking, all the sudden so is his self esteem. He's panicking over things he only used to before DD, he's not using any authority, and he's all stressed. So put all this together and I feel like I'm in charge again. It's been bothering me. And so when he said it was time for maintenance, I was anything but feeling submissive. I felt forced back into control. I felt we were only playing at DD, and I was hurt. We talked, and talked, and talked, and it finally came out that my Hubby only does DD because I want him to. He does like the changes I was going through, but it isn't a life style he would choose. I couldn't breathe.
I am the oldest of four, and it was when I was four that my mother backed out as a mother. She stayed in bed all day. She only came out to yell at us kids, and physically abuse me. I raised my brother and sisters while my dad was at work, and often even while he was home because he and my mom fought so much. I had learned to be in charge and in control from the age of four. That's been my whole life. I'm tired. I can't do it anymore. He's known since we dated that I wanted to let go of the control, and when he showed alpha male traits when we dated, I thought that is what would happen. But literally, as soon as we got married he backed off and left me in charge of everything. By the time I learned about DD this past summer I felt rescued, I couldn't be in control anymore, and here were guidelines to help us out.
So when he admitted on Saturday night that left to him he wouldn't do DD, I couldn't breathe. Being sick doesn't help, but I can't go back. I can't. I want to tell you I can be in a marriage and survive anything. But I can't be the HoH of our house. I've been in charge of so much since before I went to school as a child. I'm about to burn out. I need someone else to come in and take over. And REALLY take over. So I hyperventilated. LITERALLY. I don't do that. I did it during hours of labour, not being able to face delivering a child that would only live a few hours, if born alive at all, thankfully we had two beautiful hours with him, but other than that, have NEVER hyperventilated in my life. I can't go back. I just can't. But I also told him I didn't want to force him to change, that I would just go back if I had to, but even as I said it, I had no idea how I'd make it through. I could feel myself dying inside. I just kept saying I didn't want to force him, and each time I said it, I felt the life going out of me.
Missy Jones, I hope you don't mind, I showed him your post. It took a long time of talking before I showed it to him, but I had read it earlier in the day, and I thought it would explain to him better why I need this lifestyle than I could do on my own, because I wasn't getting anywhere.
He agreed after more talking that DD is what I needed, and deep down, even though he wouldn't have chosen this lifestyle, he did see it was what I needed, and that it had been working for both of us. We had both been better for it when he was being more stern. It was too late to do a maintenance at this point, we were both exhausted. We went to bed, and then he drove me to work the next morning. But a blizzard came, and we couldn't get home Sunday night nor Monday, so stayed with friends. We've talked as we could behind closed doors and have worked out more things together, but I can't wait to finally be alone with him tonight.
It's maintenance tonight, we were doing it twice a week, and I know he'll hold nothing back now, or at least I pray so. I also showed him last night the charts that Silence put in his post yesterday. He said it made sense, and I could see the light bulb go off in his head. :)
So hopefully now we won't just be playing at DD, even if I am sick, and I think that's part of why I was so snarky after my last maintenance too, I was already unravelling. The maintenance we need, yes, but if that's all we do, and I know I'm slipping in areas, then I need those addressed, even when I'm sick and need more help. Otherwise the maintenance is just a spanking session, and not real role affirmation. Yes, I'll have to do shorter work outs because I'm running out of breath with my lungs restricted, but I can still do some. Yes, the house will have some chores not get done, but I can still keep up with others. I need to be held accountable to that.
Let's hope tonight goes well. I can already see his confidence returning. I'm so glad. After tonight, we'll see if I can sit down, and how confident he is after that! Let's just pray I can stay in position!
I hate being sick, but being sick for over two months now? That totally sucks. :( I finally went back to the doctor's last night, for the third time in over just a month. It's a clinic, so I've had a different doctor each time. I can get into my family doctor, but it's usually a few weeks wait, which is why we have the clinics for things that need to be dealt with more immediately but aren't severe enough for a trip to the emergency room.
This doctor told me he wasn't surprised I was sick as long as I was. He told me I should have had a longer dose of the last antibiotic I was given, and told me to take FOUR days off of work. Luckily I have two of those days off anyway, so it saves the budget. :) He joked with me when he gave me the prescription for a new antibiotic, 14 days worth! and the note for work that if this and the nasal spray he gave me didn't work, he'd just shoot me next time. ;) I had a good laugh, he was a nice, funny doctor.
So anyway, I want to blame all of this on why my Saturday night with Hubby was SOOOOOOO BAD! Why I couldn't submit. But it honestly isn't the reason. And from here on in, if I don't make total sense, please forgive me.
So on Saturday night Hubby told me it was time for maintenance. I told him I didn't want to do it. My head is so fuzzy right now, I can't recall all that went on, but I will tell you what I do remember.
I told him I didn't want to do DD right then. I told him I was getting such mixed signals from him, that I didn't know if I was coming or going, or what. He hasn't been stepping up to hold me accountable to anything lately. Yes, I know part of this is because I'm sick, but being sick so long, we were just getting into a groove when I got sick, and it was so soon into our DD relationship, that I feel it's messed everything up.
But since the punishments have been lacking, all the sudden so is his self esteem. He's panicking over things he only used to before DD, he's not using any authority, and he's all stressed. So put all this together and I feel like I'm in charge again. It's been bothering me. And so when he said it was time for maintenance, I was anything but feeling submissive. I felt forced back into control. I felt we were only playing at DD, and I was hurt. We talked, and talked, and talked, and it finally came out that my Hubby only does DD because I want him to. He does like the changes I was going through, but it isn't a life style he would choose. I couldn't breathe.
I am the oldest of four, and it was when I was four that my mother backed out as a mother. She stayed in bed all day. She only came out to yell at us kids, and physically abuse me. I raised my brother and sisters while my dad was at work, and often even while he was home because he and my mom fought so much. I had learned to be in charge and in control from the age of four. That's been my whole life. I'm tired. I can't do it anymore. He's known since we dated that I wanted to let go of the control, and when he showed alpha male traits when we dated, I thought that is what would happen. But literally, as soon as we got married he backed off and left me in charge of everything. By the time I learned about DD this past summer I felt rescued, I couldn't be in control anymore, and here were guidelines to help us out.
So when he admitted on Saturday night that left to him he wouldn't do DD, I couldn't breathe. Being sick doesn't help, but I can't go back. I can't. I want to tell you I can be in a marriage and survive anything. But I can't be the HoH of our house. I've been in charge of so much since before I went to school as a child. I'm about to burn out. I need someone else to come in and take over. And REALLY take over. So I hyperventilated. LITERALLY. I don't do that. I did it during hours of labour, not being able to face delivering a child that would only live a few hours, if born alive at all, thankfully we had two beautiful hours with him, but other than that, have NEVER hyperventilated in my life. I can't go back. I just can't. But I also told him I didn't want to force him to change, that I would just go back if I had to, but even as I said it, I had no idea how I'd make it through. I could feel myself dying inside. I just kept saying I didn't want to force him, and each time I said it, I felt the life going out of me.
Missy Jones, I hope you don't mind, I showed him your post. It took a long time of talking before I showed it to him, but I had read it earlier in the day, and I thought it would explain to him better why I need this lifestyle than I could do on my own, because I wasn't getting anywhere.
He agreed after more talking that DD is what I needed, and deep down, even though he wouldn't have chosen this lifestyle, he did see it was what I needed, and that it had been working for both of us. We had both been better for it when he was being more stern. It was too late to do a maintenance at this point, we were both exhausted. We went to bed, and then he drove me to work the next morning. But a blizzard came, and we couldn't get home Sunday night nor Monday, so stayed with friends. We've talked as we could behind closed doors and have worked out more things together, but I can't wait to finally be alone with him tonight.
It's maintenance tonight, we were doing it twice a week, and I know he'll hold nothing back now, or at least I pray so. I also showed him last night the charts that Silence put in his post yesterday. He said it made sense, and I could see the light bulb go off in his head. :)
So hopefully now we won't just be playing at DD, even if I am sick, and I think that's part of why I was so snarky after my last maintenance too, I was already unravelling. The maintenance we need, yes, but if that's all we do, and I know I'm slipping in areas, then I need those addressed, even when I'm sick and need more help. Otherwise the maintenance is just a spanking session, and not real role affirmation. Yes, I'll have to do shorter work outs because I'm running out of breath with my lungs restricted, but I can still do some. Yes, the house will have some chores not get done, but I can still keep up with others. I need to be held accountable to that.
Let's hope tonight goes well. I can already see his confidence returning. I'm so glad. After tonight, we'll see if I can sit down, and how confident he is after that! Let's just pray I can stay in position!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Weird Maintenance + 6 F.ree E.books
I thought I'd share about my maintenance a few nights ago... still trying to process it all, and not sure where I am with it. I wasn't expecting maintenace. When my days off changed last week, my husband waited until my days off, so I thought that is how it would be this week. But it wasn't. I hadn't prepared myself. I actually think this is good, it makes me submit more to his will. But I couldn't get into the head space.
And then afterwards, very uncharacteristic for me, I became a bit snarky. Not mean, but just pushing buttons, which I never do. I think it's because I was beyond tired. I couldn't keep my eyes open, I couldn't even stand up straight! My husband told me to go to bed even though it wasn't my bed time, and I kept finding ways to distract him and stay up. But I felt really bad, but yet seemed unable to stop myself. Finally he ordered me to bed, and then watched me get ready for bed to make sure I listened. He came into the bathroom with me, watched me go, brush my teeth, wash my face, followed me to the bedroom to watch me take my meds for my cold, take my vitamins, and after it was all done, he tucked me in and kissed me goodnight. Okay, the being tucked in was awesome. But it did feel weird to have him watching over me get ready for bed.
I think I might have liked it... but I'm still not sure. I feel like when you're trying a vastly different food than you've ever tried before. Texture, taste, temperature, all different than you are used to. So you sit there, roll it over your tongue, try to find out if the taste is appealing, or if you actually really don't like it. So that is me today. I think I liked it... it was nice having the attention, but the feeling that maybe he thought I wouldn't follow through, bothers me a bit. I think I've done something to make him question if I'll listen or not.
Yesterday when leaving for work he double checked with me several times to make sure I'd feed the cats, and then called before he stepped in to work to make sure again. He also asked me several times before I even got out of bed if I'd remember to do the laundry. It's not like him to do this, and so I somehow feel I've missed something he's asked me to do. I'll have to ask him that tomorrow night. I don't want to bring it up tonight and possibly put a dent in on Valentine's Day. If there is something, I'll need him to tell me, because I honestly have no idea what it is.
F.ree E.books - Here are SIX books (must be because it's Vday) that are free today if you'd like to take a look at them, but as always, if you want them for free, you might just want to take a quick look to make sure they still say $0.00. :) Just because prices can change on amazon without notice. I really liked the idea of the first book, it is an intimacy devotional, and it says it even suggests one for the bathtub. LOL I tend to look for mostly Christian books, so the first four of the six are, the last two are normal type books. :) I hope that does not offend anyone, and I'm truly sorry if it does. I really struggled with putting the third book listed in, I kept going to not put it in, but kept feeling I was supposed to. Hope the feeling was right, and not my brain. ;)
As usual, I haven't had time to read these books yet myself as they usually are only free for a day, so I can't vouch for them being good or not, but thought I'd share in case they help anyone out there. :) The last one might help anyone not knowing how to celebrate tonight on a budget, if you plan to celebrate. :)
Songs in the Key of Solomon: In the Word and In the Mood - Anita and John Renfroe
Finding Focus On Relationships - Marcus D. King
Cheer Up Your Wife - Aleathea Dupree (this is the one I was iffy about)
You Can Have A Happy Family: Steps to Enjoying Your Marriage and Children - Amanda Beth, Steven Sawyer, Lisa Lickel
Happily Married With Kids: It's Not a Fairy Tale - Carol Ummel Lindquist Ph.D.
35 Cheap Date Ideas: Creative Ideas For Romance on a Budget
And then afterwards, very uncharacteristic for me, I became a bit snarky. Not mean, but just pushing buttons, which I never do. I think it's because I was beyond tired. I couldn't keep my eyes open, I couldn't even stand up straight! My husband told me to go to bed even though it wasn't my bed time, and I kept finding ways to distract him and stay up. But I felt really bad, but yet seemed unable to stop myself. Finally he ordered me to bed, and then watched me get ready for bed to make sure I listened. He came into the bathroom with me, watched me go, brush my teeth, wash my face, followed me to the bedroom to watch me take my meds for my cold, take my vitamins, and after it was all done, he tucked me in and kissed me goodnight. Okay, the being tucked in was awesome. But it did feel weird to have him watching over me get ready for bed.
I think I might have liked it... but I'm still not sure. I feel like when you're trying a vastly different food than you've ever tried before. Texture, taste, temperature, all different than you are used to. So you sit there, roll it over your tongue, try to find out if the taste is appealing, or if you actually really don't like it. So that is me today. I think I liked it... it was nice having the attention, but the feeling that maybe he thought I wouldn't follow through, bothers me a bit. I think I've done something to make him question if I'll listen or not.
Yesterday when leaving for work he double checked with me several times to make sure I'd feed the cats, and then called before he stepped in to work to make sure again. He also asked me several times before I even got out of bed if I'd remember to do the laundry. It's not like him to do this, and so I somehow feel I've missed something he's asked me to do. I'll have to ask him that tomorrow night. I don't want to bring it up tonight and possibly put a dent in on Valentine's Day. If there is something, I'll need him to tell me, because I honestly have no idea what it is.
F.ree E.books - Here are SIX books (must be because it's Vday) that are free today if you'd like to take a look at them, but as always, if you want them for free, you might just want to take a quick look to make sure they still say $0.00. :) Just because prices can change on amazon without notice. I really liked the idea of the first book, it is an intimacy devotional, and it says it even suggests one for the bathtub. LOL I tend to look for mostly Christian books, so the first four of the six are, the last two are normal type books. :) I hope that does not offend anyone, and I'm truly sorry if it does. I really struggled with putting the third book listed in, I kept going to not put it in, but kept feeling I was supposed to. Hope the feeling was right, and not my brain. ;)
As usual, I haven't had time to read these books yet myself as they usually are only free for a day, so I can't vouch for them being good or not, but thought I'd share in case they help anyone out there. :) The last one might help anyone not knowing how to celebrate tonight on a budget, if you plan to celebrate. :)
Songs in the Key of Solomon: In the Word and In the Mood - Anita and John Renfroe
Finding Focus On Relationships - Marcus D. King
Cheer Up Your Wife - Aleathea Dupree (this is the one I was iffy about)
You Can Have A Happy Family: Steps to Enjoying Your Marriage and Children - Amanda Beth, Steven Sawyer, Lisa Lickel
Happily Married With Kids: It's Not a Fairy Tale - Carol Ummel Lindquist Ph.D.
35 Cheap Date Ideas: Creative Ideas For Romance on a Budget
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Submitting My Body
My husband and I talked about a lot of things last week that were DD related. One was that he wanted to know how far his rule was allowed to go. Just chores? Just making improvements in how I live my life? I told him as far as he wanted it to go being led by God. He told me that he was going to take that as rule over my body as well, and asked how I'd feel if he chose to go to me for his pleasure at any time, even if it was the middle of the night. (Please note, I've never withheld intimacy from my husband) I admitted that we can't do this if I work the next day, I literally cannot function if I don't get enough sleep, and not being able to drink coffee, I suffer horribly the whole next day with brain fog, migraines, a body that won't wake up, and so on. But if he wanted to try in the middle of the night when I had the next day off, we could. I told him it wasn't about control not doing it on days I work, but my needing to be able to function. He said he understood, and since it was his job to take care of me, would not push me to do so at the risk of my health.
So imagine my surprise this morning to be woken up and hour and a half before his alarm on my day off! He was showing me with body language alone what he wanted. I was so tired. I just wanted him to go back to sleep, I just wanted to go back to sleep. I was going to tell him so, also reminding him how late he went to bed last night and that he'd be tired today, when something made me stop. I had told him last week that he did have the right to control my life. I told him I would let him lead our marriage in every way, even in taking ownership of my body in ways he never had before. It was not easy waking up. My brain was in a fog for a good ten minutes, but I forced myself to for him. I find it funny, I've never liked to cuddle when falling asleep, but I feel asleep against him afterwards and I really liked it. I am so tired today, even though I was able to get two more hours of sleep. I soon have to attack the house for at least two hours, and do two loads of laundry on top of that, hanging them up to dry. But I'll get it done, because that is my chores for today. That is the right I gave my husband. I feel really put in my place today, and let me tell you, I've so needed that. I belong to him, not only my love and my submission, but also my body for his pleasure. Today I feel really owned, really submissive, really controlled, and I can't believe how much I love that.
I know some of you out there now have rules that you are to be bottomless in bed. Something tells me that rule will soon be mine as well. *GULP*
When I started this blog, I didn't realize there was a blog whose title was so close to what I picked that it is literally only two letters off my whole title. I found it since I started my blog, and have felt sort of bad ever since, I don't want to step on anyone's toes or make anyone get my blog confused with someone else's. What has forced me into motion about this is noticing today that also my blog link is only two letters off of a totally different blog than the one who's title mine is close to. Had I known when I started, I would have been much more considerate because they're both in our AWESOME DD family. :) Have to admit, you all rock. Where would I be without you? (Great, now I have Toby Mac's song running through my head!)
So I've been debating changing the name and url for a bit now, and today decided it needed to be done so that these people can keep their identities separated and not worry about them getting mixed up with newbies like me. :) But I really wanted to make sure first that what I pick doesn't closely sound like someone else's. But I don't know all the DD blog names out there. :) So I thought I 'd show you guys the ones I've been thinking of, and maybe you could let me know if they sound very close to another blog's title or url here in DD Blogland? The url would be the same as the title if possible. I haven't set my heart on any particular one yet because I wanted to make sure first they didn't mimic anyone else's. :) I had a bunch of ideas and whittled them down to these. I'll let you know in advance if I change the name and url so that you have time to adjust your blog rolls, or what have you. I hope this won't cause too much confusion. Though seeing how well a fellow blogger did it this week gives me peace about being able to do this myself. :)
1. Submitting To Be Led (If I had a favourite, this is probably it so far)
2. Being Led Step By Step
3. Giving Up Control
4. Surrendering To His Control
5. Submitting To His Authority
6. Submitting To His Rule
So imagine my surprise this morning to be woken up and hour and a half before his alarm on my day off! He was showing me with body language alone what he wanted. I was so tired. I just wanted him to go back to sleep, I just wanted to go back to sleep. I was going to tell him so, also reminding him how late he went to bed last night and that he'd be tired today, when something made me stop. I had told him last week that he did have the right to control my life. I told him I would let him lead our marriage in every way, even in taking ownership of my body in ways he never had before. It was not easy waking up. My brain was in a fog for a good ten minutes, but I forced myself to for him. I find it funny, I've never liked to cuddle when falling asleep, but I feel asleep against him afterwards and I really liked it. I am so tired today, even though I was able to get two more hours of sleep. I soon have to attack the house for at least two hours, and do two loads of laundry on top of that, hanging them up to dry. But I'll get it done, because that is my chores for today. That is the right I gave my husband. I feel really put in my place today, and let me tell you, I've so needed that. I belong to him, not only my love and my submission, but also my body for his pleasure. Today I feel really owned, really submissive, really controlled, and I can't believe how much I love that.
I know some of you out there now have rules that you are to be bottomless in bed. Something tells me that rule will soon be mine as well. *GULP*
When I started this blog, I didn't realize there was a blog whose title was so close to what I picked that it is literally only two letters off my whole title. I found it since I started my blog, and have felt sort of bad ever since, I don't want to step on anyone's toes or make anyone get my blog confused with someone else's. What has forced me into motion about this is noticing today that also my blog link is only two letters off of a totally different blog than the one who's title mine is close to. Had I known when I started, I would have been much more considerate because they're both in our AWESOME DD family. :) Have to admit, you all rock. Where would I be without you? (Great, now I have Toby Mac's song running through my head!)
So I've been debating changing the name and url for a bit now, and today decided it needed to be done so that these people can keep their identities separated and not worry about them getting mixed up with newbies like me. :) But I really wanted to make sure first that what I pick doesn't closely sound like someone else's. But I don't know all the DD blog names out there. :) So I thought I 'd show you guys the ones I've been thinking of, and maybe you could let me know if they sound very close to another blog's title or url here in DD Blogland? The url would be the same as the title if possible. I haven't set my heart on any particular one yet because I wanted to make sure first they didn't mimic anyone else's. :) I had a bunch of ideas and whittled them down to these. I'll let you know in advance if I change the name and url so that you have time to adjust your blog rolls, or what have you. I hope this won't cause too much confusion. Though seeing how well a fellow blogger did it this week gives me peace about being able to do this myself. :)
1. Submitting To Be Led (If I had a favourite, this is probably it so far)
2. Being Led Step By Step
3. Giving Up Control
4. Surrendering To His Control
5. Submitting To His Authority
6. Submitting To His Rule
Monday, February 11, 2013
The Cat Knows It + F.ree E.book
I can't remember which blog I saw this on a month or so ago, but I remember it clearly now.
She was writing about DD and said that her husband was in charge and "I know it, he knows it, even the dog knows it." When she said it, I thought it was so funny, I laughed so hard.
Well, I'm here to say that even my cat knows it. :( And I don't find it funny. :( Ok, a little, but mostly I'm actually a bit sad.
I have two cats, and they always sleep with me, cuddle with me, and want to be around me. Sometimes they'll hang out with my husband, but very rarely. Well, I think our youngest cat has noticed the difference in our order of ranking. He nows cuddles daily with my husband... and will only cuddle with me if I go to where he is, or my husband is at work on my days off.
I like the not being mauled part... but I'm actually a bit disappointed to lose this bond with one of my babies. I believe he nows sees my husband as the alpha and aligning himself with him. The TRAITOR. :( He's lucky I still love him! I just miss him is all.
On a side note... got a spanking last night just because I couldn't get my head out of a pathetic funk. Two spankings in two days. And I'd been hoping to do the two week maintenace challenge to bring Hubby and I closer together... Yeah, I think I'm way too much of a wimp for that...
PS F.REE Dr. Gary Chapman book for those of you that love him! :) I have not read this book, but have liked some of his other works, including "The Five Love Languages"
Please remember that prices on Amazon can change without notice, so if you want this book for free, please remember to check that it still says $0.00 before clicking to buy. Hope you enjoy.
"The 4 Seasons of Marriage" by Dr. Gary Chapman
- It is now listed free through til Feb 16/13 at amazon.
She was writing about DD and said that her husband was in charge and "I know it, he knows it, even the dog knows it." When she said it, I thought it was so funny, I laughed so hard.
Well, I'm here to say that even my cat knows it. :( And I don't find it funny. :( Ok, a little, but mostly I'm actually a bit sad.
I have two cats, and they always sleep with me, cuddle with me, and want to be around me. Sometimes they'll hang out with my husband, but very rarely. Well, I think our youngest cat has noticed the difference in our order of ranking. He nows cuddles daily with my husband... and will only cuddle with me if I go to where he is, or my husband is at work on my days off.
I like the not being mauled part... but I'm actually a bit disappointed to lose this bond with one of my babies. I believe he nows sees my husband as the alpha and aligning himself with him. The TRAITOR. :( He's lucky I still love him! I just miss him is all.
On a side note... got a spanking last night just because I couldn't get my head out of a pathetic funk. Two spankings in two days. And I'd been hoping to do the two week maintenace challenge to bring Hubby and I closer together... Yeah, I think I'm way too much of a wimp for that...
PS F.REE Dr. Gary Chapman book for those of you that love him! :) I have not read this book, but have liked some of his other works, including "The Five Love Languages"
Please remember that prices on Amazon can change without notice, so if you want this book for free, please remember to check that it still says $0.00 before clicking to buy. Hope you enjoy.
"The 4 Seasons of Marriage" by Dr. Gary Chapman
- It is now listed free through til Feb 16/13 at amazon.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
New Implements, New Attitude
First of all, thank you guys for all the advice. I did break down on Friday night and saw the doctor. I was told not to talk until Monday, and if I had to, as little as possible. Working at a job where I'm on the phones constantly, the doctor said I needed to not work for two days. I thought about asking, and decided against it, and then she told me I couldn't work. It was music to my ears!
Yesterday was maintenance. We had agreed upon doing it on Saturday mornings. On Friday night when I showed my husband some new implements I'd picked up, he said he was anxious to use them the next morning. So yesterday morning came. I waited, and waited, and waited. I felt lied to. I felt like I just wasn't worth the effort. Yes, probably some of this was being sick, and still feeling tired.
I went and took my laptop into the bedroom so that I could lie down and look around on it. To be honest I put in a game called Lords of the Realm 2, and played it. I've never had a copy of my own, and loved playing it when I was younger, and finally found a copy to buy online a few weeks ago. So I played that for a while while lying down. Finally around two in the afternoon, my husband came in and told me it was maintenance time. I told him it was too late. I wasn't being bratty, I was honestly just hurt and confused.
He looked sad and asked me if that meant we couldn't do it anymore for the day. WHAT!? That panicked me for some reason. I didn't want the ball left in my court on this. I needed it to be in his court. I told him that's not what I meant and he then told me he thought that we say Saturday mornings because I have to work in the afternoon, and since I didn't have to work yesterday, didn't know we had a time to stick to. I told him that that was totally fine, but that it would be best for me if he let me know we were changing the time. I told him I didn't need to know when he was going to do it, but that if we had a set time, and it wasn't going to happen then, I really needed to know because it left me anxious, and having a spanking hanging over my head that I didn't know when was coming really shook me.
After a couple more minutes of talking, he understood where I was coming from, and told me that I needed the spanking. We talked about if we should still do it twie a week or go to once a week, but because I thrive under rules, partly because of a guilt complex I have, we realized for now I needed the release from maintenance still, and so we're keeping it to two a week.
Maintenance was good. I didn't cry or anything, but I'm learning some things. First of all, I can make myself stay in position. Now, if the spankings get much harder, I'll have a real struggle, but I will still try. When I jerk my legs back, it isn't to stop the spanking, it's a natural reflex, but I'm learning to realize quickly when I've done it and to pull them right back, where as before my husband would have to tell me I'd pulled my legs back.
We did have a kink in the maintenance though. I had to stop his lecturing to me for a minute because he accused me of something that simply wasn't true. I have told my husband in the past that I hate being treated like I'm his mother. Having to remind him to do things he's promised, and making myself wait until the time is past before reasking him. I so don't want to be a nagging wife. But also, he defers so much to me, and asks my permission before he does anything. I really have felt like he treats me like I'm his mother, not his wife. So he told me yesterday during the lecture time that I was to stop treating him like he was my child. So I did turn over just enough to look at him and explained to him that that wasn't true, and wasn't fair of him to say. I did say this very respectfully. I then reminded him that I never treated him like that, yes I had said I felt like he treated me that way, but I never did so to him. He admitted this to be true, and I was glad he didn't punish me for sharing my opinions. I also reminded him that I hadn't said it since we started DD because he's been stepping up and being more of a man in our marriage. He thought for a moment and realized that was true. As soon as we had that worked out, I turned my head back around and we resumed.
We talked afterwards too. My husband says he's seeing good changes in me, and he loves that I am respecting his wishes, and doing the things he's asked. He sees I'm more calm, more steady, and more reassured. He sees the submissive side of me blooming, and he really likes it. He also likes that he feels he can ask me to do things for him now that he never felt he could before, and that he's actually allowed to tell me to do things when it's best for me. He also likes that I'm doing things more for him without being asked. He does the dishes, I never think to soak anything I put in the sink, or clean up the counter. But lately I have been. I also have been looking to make things he likes to eat more than I normally do. I've been keeping the house cleaner. I really thought he'd appreciate that, even though he normally doesn't care what the house looks like. He admitted to me yesterday that he wanted me keeping the house cleaner and I told him I knew deep down he actually wanted it that way, and why didn't he just admit it. He told me he didn't care what the house looked like. It was the peace I was showing, the calm and relaxing feeling I had, when the house was clean. That is what he wanted me to keep. Wow... when did he get so observant?
He also joked with me about my temper. He teased that because I don't get angry often, and he missed his one chance last week to take me over his knee while I was angry, that he might have to poke at me until I get angry just so that he can! He says if we wait for me to be angry again on my own, it could be months before he learns to step in! LOL STINKER! And here I thought it was a good thing that I rarely get angry! ;) Hmph... lol
So here are our new implements. This is the ruler I told you about, it's 12 inches. The light pink is the rubber, it takes up half the side on the other side, but only a small line on this side, and the dark pink is the hard plastic. I blame the red spatula on Willie. ;) She gave me the idea for it and told me just where to find it. :) And the two rug beaters I blame on Kiwigirliegirl. LOL She mentioned them in her blog the other day, and they looked so cool, that the crafter in me HAD to see if I could make the design. Can I blame people that tempt me? lol So I set out to make the black one. I took an old DSL cord that no longer worked, taped it with black electrical tape, and set out to copy the picture I'd found a close up of online. When making the handle, I put in a length from a metal hanger to strengthen the handle just to give me an idea of how a real rug beater would work. I gave it a few swats on my thigh, and felt I'd done a good job. I was going to throw it out at this point. I'd made the design, it held, the crafter in me was satisfied. One problem... when doing something just for the fun of it, maybe I shouldn't always allow my hubby to see the creations I've made. This here being one of them! He wanted to try it out for my maintenance! The black looked too depressing to me, so I added braided yarn to the handle. But then I really worried, it was so stiff, it would REALLY HURT. I remembered seeing an old cable in the box of cords. So I grabbed it, washed it, and made a quick simple one that I thought would be much easier on my butt and added a length from the coat hanger to its handle as well. I didn't want to get my wire cutters out to cut the ends of the cable off, and also want to keep it because I thought I'd be taking it apart again and would still have a usable cable. So hubby tried them both out yesterday. Yeah, the one that was supposed to hurt less? It stung a lot more! Not as much as the loopy, but still really stung. The black one was actually a lot easier to take. Go figure. LOL I was told we're keeping them... hmph. lol Now to tell the crafter in me to NEVER do this again. Honestly, I saw a challenge, like I do with anything I think I can craft... and now I pay for it. lol
And the last new one we have, and I really wasn't setting out to buy it, but it was in the same store as the spatula, and I walked by it. My husband and I had decided we did want a leather belt, but not a used one. It was just in our heads that this would be something used in the intimate parts of our marriage, we wanted no stigma in our minds about it having belonged to someone else first. Clothes, bags, purses, no worries. Something that's going to strike my bottom? We felt it was more personal and needed to be just for us in our minds. Since I just started working, we didn't want to go pay full price for a new belt and so were going to wait. Well this one was $2.50! I would have waited to get it, but it was the last one there. Still, I made sure with hubby before keeping it that it was okay, and he said it was, and was a really good price. We haven't used it yet... but I tried it on my leg, and now my bottom is scared! lol
Here's hoping one of these becomes the implement that is good for us on a regular basis. I feel like I've gotten a lot of implements, we now have nine counting these above. But so far, the bathbrush is the only one that really seems to work, but still not quite yet as to me it's just a household item turned implement. I really feel the belt will work, not because it might hurt more, but because of how it makes me feel emotionally. It just is manly, and even though it won't fit my husband, and so he won't be wearing it, to me, just looking at the belt makes me submissive. To me, the belt used during a spanking is a tool of control. There actually was one other leather belt there, but it had hearts in it, and I knew that wouldn't be making me think submissively. ;) This one already makes me feel owned and I haven't even had it used on me yet. *shivers*
I hope you are all having a great weekend. I know I am. I can't remember the last time I got to have two whole days with my hubby! We didn't go to church today because I knew if I went, I'd be talking. I would do it without thinking. And I HAVE to sing if I hear music. I don't know how to remind myself not to do it. So we've had no music in the house since the doctor's orders. If I went to church, I'd keep making a mistake and sing. So this was our only safe option. I told my hubby he could go, but he wants to spend the day with me. Awe. :) I really do love that man.
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
WOWzers
My husband actually gave me an honest to goodness spanking. I mean, he spanked, and spanked, and spanked! Wow, and it made me so in awe of him. :) I was actually surprised he remembered maintenance. I wasn't going to bring it up actually... but he did. Wow... how did he even remember?
I didn't know he had it in him to spank me like he did. I'm not sure he knew he had it in himself. :) He checked in at one point to make sure I didn't feel like I was being beaten. I didn't feel that way at all. I felt safe. I felt good. Yes, my bottom was being smacked away upon, but I still felt so safe across my husband's lap.
I am sick today, quite sick, with no real voice. I did half of my chores today, but when I was having trouble breathing, I knew I had to take a break. My husband agreed when I asked him about it when he called me just a little after I decided I needed a break. We had hoped I'd have the energy to finish the rest before he got home, but I did not. I think the cold I thought I was going away is coming back.
So tonight he mentioned how he gave me a grace period because I was sick, but that he still expects me to finish the rest of my chores tomorrow. He also put me on a corner time when I asked if that was what I should do next. Through talking, we've agreed that if I'm not crying after maintenance, that will be what we do so that he can do a lecture phase there too. I do find it rather humbling and submissive to have to stand facing our bedroom door with my hands up on the door and my bottoms hanging down!
We just cuddled and talked afterwards, and my husband admits he likes the changes he's seeing. I talked this week about how silly DD seems to me all the sudden, and even felt very strange going over his knee tonight. It really felt so ridiculous, and I asked what in the world we were doing. I did ask it nicely, and in utter confusion, but boy did he put his foot down when he said we were doing what had to be done, and I was going to listen to him. So we're sticking with DD. I am glad we are. But all the sudden it seems a bit odd to think I'm going over his lap, on a regular basis. Not sure why it feels that way all the sudden, but it does.
But my world also feels safer now. I feel more in control now that there are limits. I know the goals we want to work towards now, and that makes me feel more safe. I also aim to please my husband more now that we do DD. But what I love most is that we're spending time together now. We're talking more. Having maintenance twice a weeks means we're bonding at least twice a week, no matter what else goes on in our week, in our world. I also love the cuddling. One of my love languages is physical touch. My husband holding me after a spanking is so great for me, for the security I have in our marriage. I have really been missing that. And not only cuddling after a spanking, but my husband is pulling me in for hugs more, kissing me more, and just has his hands on me in love more often lately. I feel like we are teenagers in love again. It's so wonderful. :)
So now I sit on a sore bottom, I do feel more submissive, though not as all glowly and sunshiny as normal. But that could just be the cold talking. :) The good thing is that I really rested for much of the day today, and except for about an hour or two of chores tomorrow, that is what I will be doing tomorrow as well. :) I am in a much better frame of mind than I have been all week, that is for sure.
I want to thank you all for all your support this week while my son was on my mind so much. I know some of that is being further along in the grief journey, but also a lot of it is DD, and a lot of it was knowing I had you guys behind me. I have felt so loved and supported this week. You guys really are like another family. I am so honoured that you not only read along as I share my journey, but that you also share with me. Thank you for welcoming me into your worlds! :)
Oh, and on a good note. I didn't roll out of position once tonight! FINALLY. I did kick my legs up a few times without realizing, but I atleast never tried to jump up or roll away. :)
I didn't know he had it in him to spank me like he did. I'm not sure he knew he had it in himself. :) He checked in at one point to make sure I didn't feel like I was being beaten. I didn't feel that way at all. I felt safe. I felt good. Yes, my bottom was being smacked away upon, but I still felt so safe across my husband's lap.
I am sick today, quite sick, with no real voice. I did half of my chores today, but when I was having trouble breathing, I knew I had to take a break. My husband agreed when I asked him about it when he called me just a little after I decided I needed a break. We had hoped I'd have the energy to finish the rest before he got home, but I did not. I think the cold I thought I was going away is coming back.
So tonight he mentioned how he gave me a grace period because I was sick, but that he still expects me to finish the rest of my chores tomorrow. He also put me on a corner time when I asked if that was what I should do next. Through talking, we've agreed that if I'm not crying after maintenance, that will be what we do so that he can do a lecture phase there too. I do find it rather humbling and submissive to have to stand facing our bedroom door with my hands up on the door and my bottoms hanging down!
We just cuddled and talked afterwards, and my husband admits he likes the changes he's seeing. I talked this week about how silly DD seems to me all the sudden, and even felt very strange going over his knee tonight. It really felt so ridiculous, and I asked what in the world we were doing. I did ask it nicely, and in utter confusion, but boy did he put his foot down when he said we were doing what had to be done, and I was going to listen to him. So we're sticking with DD. I am glad we are. But all the sudden it seems a bit odd to think I'm going over his lap, on a regular basis. Not sure why it feels that way all the sudden, but it does.
But my world also feels safer now. I feel more in control now that there are limits. I know the goals we want to work towards now, and that makes me feel more safe. I also aim to please my husband more now that we do DD. But what I love most is that we're spending time together now. We're talking more. Having maintenance twice a weeks means we're bonding at least twice a week, no matter what else goes on in our week, in our world. I also love the cuddling. One of my love languages is physical touch. My husband holding me after a spanking is so great for me, for the security I have in our marriage. I have really been missing that. And not only cuddling after a spanking, but my husband is pulling me in for hugs more, kissing me more, and just has his hands on me in love more often lately. I feel like we are teenagers in love again. It's so wonderful. :)
So now I sit on a sore bottom, I do feel more submissive, though not as all glowly and sunshiny as normal. But that could just be the cold talking. :) The good thing is that I really rested for much of the day today, and except for about an hour or two of chores tomorrow, that is what I will be doing tomorrow as well. :) I am in a much better frame of mind than I have been all week, that is for sure.
I want to thank you all for all your support this week while my son was on my mind so much. I know some of that is being further along in the grief journey, but also a lot of it is DD, and a lot of it was knowing I had you guys behind me. I have felt so loved and supported this week. You guys really are like another family. I am so honoured that you not only read along as I share my journey, but that you also share with me. Thank you for welcoming me into your worlds! :)
Oh, and on a good note. I didn't roll out of position once tonight! FINALLY. I did kick my legs up a few times without realizing, but I atleast never tried to jump up or roll away. :)
Tuesday, February 05, 2013
Here's An E.book
Don't really have anything to write tonight, but I look up f.ree e.books every day, and came across this one tonight. It isn't a DD book, but apparently has some great quotes and advice on marriage. Have not read it, but because some of these books are only free for a day, thought I'd share it in case it interested anyone out there. :) Right now it's free, but that could change at anytime, so if you want it for free, just double check that the price still says $0.00 when you click to buy or else it'll charge you and you can't get your money back for kindle books on amazon. :(
Never Stop Holding Hands - by Shara Grylls - At Amazon
Never Stop Holding Hands - by Shara Grylls - At Amazon
Monday, February 04, 2013
Today Was Okay
Tonight was so weird. I tried to focus on our son. I couldn't. I tried to focus on spending the evening with my husband, and I found I just couldn't connect. My husband even gave me a good spanking to try to help me, and it didn't happen. I didn't cry. I didn't cry about my son, I didn't cry about the spanking. I did cry for a minute admitting I was a bit scared of ever being pregnant again, but it felt fake, and the second I admitted that to myself, the tears stopped cold.
I think that with all that happened this week, I just had nothing left in me. I'm hoping that is it anyway! :)
Here's hoping tomorrow is different. :)
I want to thank you all for your support this week. I think it helped a lot in me being able to get my work day today okay. :) I actually feel I'm getting closer to the end of my grief. That would be so awesomely beautiful if that is true. :) Today I could think about my son with love, and peace. It was great.
Sorry I don't have much to really write or process tonight, but with you all praying for me, I wanted to let you know that today was so much easier than I expected, and I wanted to say thank you to you all! :) And the disconnect, I do wonder if maybe it's just exhaustion, and once I can sleep later this week maybe I'll be back to normal. :)
Night all. :)
I think that with all that happened this week, I just had nothing left in me. I'm hoping that is it anyway! :)
Here's hoping tomorrow is different. :)
I want to thank you all for your support this week. I think it helped a lot in me being able to get my work day today okay. :) I actually feel I'm getting closer to the end of my grief. That would be so awesomely beautiful if that is true. :) Today I could think about my son with love, and peace. It was great.
Sorry I don't have much to really write or process tonight, but with you all praying for me, I wanted to let you know that today was so much easier than I expected, and I wanted to say thank you to you all! :) And the disconnect, I do wonder if maybe it's just exhaustion, and once I can sleep later this week maybe I'll be back to normal. :)
Night all. :)
Sunday, February 03, 2013
Getting Caught Up
So I'm still exhausted. I think it's time to break down and book a doctor's appointment. It isn't like me to be so tired all the time. I'm literally so tired lately my head hurts from exhaustion, my eyes are gritty for half of the day, and I literally can't function. My body crashed last week, and I can already feel it trying to do so again.
So combine that with the fact that I'm missing my son like craz, and my normally calm behaviour is on hiatus! Friday night I was frazzled. I had just met my daily quota of 10% sales, and really did not feel like I had done a good job because of it because I feel I should do more than just meet the quota. I was super stressed. I also was stressed because I was thinking about having to speak last night at a counseling banquet about the loss of our son, probably why I miss him so much right now. It was also ten at night when I got done, so I was super duper tired. And then when driving home, I was going the speed limit, and then a car passed me and the car behind me, and as they passed, I turned my brights off so that they would be able to see and I wouldn't blind them. And still the guy in the passanger seat stuck his arm out the window and for a half a minute or more stuck his middle finger out at me. That really shook me up and then it made me mad, and right out ticked me off... except ticked off is not the word I used...
And then we got home, and the spot that we always park in was taken by my landlord once again. There was barely enough room for us to get our car into the parking lot at all, and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I lost it. I was so mad, he's always taking our parking spot. He keeps giving us different spots, moving us around, and then he'll still take our spot. So I swore, and was fed up. I yelled for about two minutes, and then was done.
But... my husband came to me afterwards and told me that he thought I needed to have a spanking for swearing, but that he had plans right then, and couldn't punish me, but to expect it in the morning. I tried to talk my way out of it so that he wouldn't feel guilty, and so that I wouldn't get a punishment on Saturday morning instead of a maintenance, but it was a no go. I needed a spanking, he knew it, I knew it.
So Saturday morning came and went, nothing. Come to find out he was letting me catch up on my blogging, believing it's good for me to have my contacts with this community. So then just after noon he told me it was time for my spanking. He tried out one of the paint sticks, and literally, he was trying to hit me with a good force, and I felt nothing for most of the swats. So when he said he was done, I told him I really didn't feel anything, and there were even times where I could tell by how he moved that the stick had come down, but instead I felt his hand rest and not the stick. So he tried harder, and broke the paint stir stick! lol
I felt I should be honest with him because he needed to know that I didn't get the punishment he'd hoped for in that. So he made me get the bathbrush. I was scared, but I did it. He spanked me with it, but he hit quite a bit harder each swat, and by swat ten or so, I couldn't handle the pain, it felt like I was being beaten. I looked at him scared and told him it was too hard. He said I'd just get one more spank, and then the next one was very mild.
I felt horrible, he looked horrible. I'd taken control from him, and now he was afraid he'd hurt me. I knew I couldn't leave things like that. I tried to appologize, told him I took control from him, and I shouldn't have done that. I told him that he had every right to spank me as hard as he wanted, and I shouldn't have fought it. He wouldn't really talk, just kept telling me he was alright when he obviously wasn't. So I asked him if we could try the spanking again, but this time, doing each increase in strength of the spank at five spank intervals. I told him that for me I really felt it would work better to have a slower increase in the intensity of the spank and have more spanks thrown into it. So he did that. He still looked so uncertain, and it really bothered me.
So I talked to him further. I let him know that we're both going to keep making mistakes. I asked him if he'd be willing to make ten huge mistakes in DD if it meant that in five years we had the best marriage on the planet. He thought about it for a minute, and agreed. So I told him, yes, I felt it might have been a mistake to hit so hard so fast before my bottom was warmed up, but that I was willing to make mistakes with him, I was willing for him to make mistakes. Even if I'd ended up cut, or hurt, that I would forgive him, and that we'd fix me and keep going.
So then I admitted I needed to break down before talking last night. So I asked him if he would spank me until I broke down. Hesitantly he said yes. And by the end, he was hitting just as hard as what had been too hard for me earlier, but the building up slower was just what I needed it. He talked about how he loved me, how he needed me to be open to grieving our son, and so on. He looked down at one point to see me quietly bawling my eyes out. He pulled me to him and just held me and loved on me and comforted me. It was just what I needed. It was just what he needed, and our connection time afterwards, I have never felt so close to him in all my life. It was amazing.
So last night, I want to thank everyone for their prayers and support. It went well. When we lost our son, we did not have the money to pay for counselling, and public health said it would be a year or more before I got counselling from them. So a Christian counselling company found out about us losing our son and offered us nine free sessions. So every year I guess, they do a banquet. So I was asked to speak about my losing my son, and how counselling helped me at the banquet last night. Out of the hundreds of clients they've probably had in the past two years, I felt shocked that I was asked. But the counsellor I had had said it was her year to pick one of her clients, and in prayer, she felt I was the one she was to ask. I was so humbled. So I talked about how it helped, and how it was because of the kindness of everyone that donated like the people at the banquet, that allowed me to get the help that I needed when I needed it.
I felt I did a horrible job, I felt so overwhelmed up there, I felt like I rushed... it wasn't the 200 I thought it would be, but the 100 people there did feel like 200 because of how the room was set up. But I guess I did a great job. Everyone thanked me, especially the president of the counselling group, saying I really portrayed how important it is for people to have access to counselling when they need it, not just when they can afford it, and how I also portrayed how important it can be to have Christian counselling when you're a Christian. I was very relieved to hear that.
I really still feel I could have done better, prepared better, but I'm so glad God still used me.
So that is all that I've been up to this weekend besides work today. Been a long day, and already ready to fall asleep. Ah, I hear the bed calling. :)
So combine that with the fact that I'm missing my son like craz, and my normally calm behaviour is on hiatus! Friday night I was frazzled. I had just met my daily quota of 10% sales, and really did not feel like I had done a good job because of it because I feel I should do more than just meet the quota. I was super stressed. I also was stressed because I was thinking about having to speak last night at a counseling banquet about the loss of our son, probably why I miss him so much right now. It was also ten at night when I got done, so I was super duper tired. And then when driving home, I was going the speed limit, and then a car passed me and the car behind me, and as they passed, I turned my brights off so that they would be able to see and I wouldn't blind them. And still the guy in the passanger seat stuck his arm out the window and for a half a minute or more stuck his middle finger out at me. That really shook me up and then it made me mad, and right out ticked me off... except ticked off is not the word I used...
And then we got home, and the spot that we always park in was taken by my landlord once again. There was barely enough room for us to get our car into the parking lot at all, and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I lost it. I was so mad, he's always taking our parking spot. He keeps giving us different spots, moving us around, and then he'll still take our spot. So I swore, and was fed up. I yelled for about two minutes, and then was done.
But... my husband came to me afterwards and told me that he thought I needed to have a spanking for swearing, but that he had plans right then, and couldn't punish me, but to expect it in the morning. I tried to talk my way out of it so that he wouldn't feel guilty, and so that I wouldn't get a punishment on Saturday morning instead of a maintenance, but it was a no go. I needed a spanking, he knew it, I knew it.
So Saturday morning came and went, nothing. Come to find out he was letting me catch up on my blogging, believing it's good for me to have my contacts with this community. So then just after noon he told me it was time for my spanking. He tried out one of the paint sticks, and literally, he was trying to hit me with a good force, and I felt nothing for most of the swats. So when he said he was done, I told him I really didn't feel anything, and there were even times where I could tell by how he moved that the stick had come down, but instead I felt his hand rest and not the stick. So he tried harder, and broke the paint stir stick! lol
I felt I should be honest with him because he needed to know that I didn't get the punishment he'd hoped for in that. So he made me get the bathbrush. I was scared, but I did it. He spanked me with it, but he hit quite a bit harder each swat, and by swat ten or so, I couldn't handle the pain, it felt like I was being beaten. I looked at him scared and told him it was too hard. He said I'd just get one more spank, and then the next one was very mild.
I felt horrible, he looked horrible. I'd taken control from him, and now he was afraid he'd hurt me. I knew I couldn't leave things like that. I tried to appologize, told him I took control from him, and I shouldn't have done that. I told him that he had every right to spank me as hard as he wanted, and I shouldn't have fought it. He wouldn't really talk, just kept telling me he was alright when he obviously wasn't. So I asked him if we could try the spanking again, but this time, doing each increase in strength of the spank at five spank intervals. I told him that for me I really felt it would work better to have a slower increase in the intensity of the spank and have more spanks thrown into it. So he did that. He still looked so uncertain, and it really bothered me.
So I talked to him further. I let him know that we're both going to keep making mistakes. I asked him if he'd be willing to make ten huge mistakes in DD if it meant that in five years we had the best marriage on the planet. He thought about it for a minute, and agreed. So I told him, yes, I felt it might have been a mistake to hit so hard so fast before my bottom was warmed up, but that I was willing to make mistakes with him, I was willing for him to make mistakes. Even if I'd ended up cut, or hurt, that I would forgive him, and that we'd fix me and keep going.
So then I admitted I needed to break down before talking last night. So I asked him if he would spank me until I broke down. Hesitantly he said yes. And by the end, he was hitting just as hard as what had been too hard for me earlier, but the building up slower was just what I needed it. He talked about how he loved me, how he needed me to be open to grieving our son, and so on. He looked down at one point to see me quietly bawling my eyes out. He pulled me to him and just held me and loved on me and comforted me. It was just what I needed. It was just what he needed, and our connection time afterwards, I have never felt so close to him in all my life. It was amazing.
So last night, I want to thank everyone for their prayers and support. It went well. When we lost our son, we did not have the money to pay for counselling, and public health said it would be a year or more before I got counselling from them. So a Christian counselling company found out about us losing our son and offered us nine free sessions. So every year I guess, they do a banquet. So I was asked to speak about my losing my son, and how counselling helped me at the banquet last night. Out of the hundreds of clients they've probably had in the past two years, I felt shocked that I was asked. But the counsellor I had had said it was her year to pick one of her clients, and in prayer, she felt I was the one she was to ask. I was so humbled. So I talked about how it helped, and how it was because of the kindness of everyone that donated like the people at the banquet, that allowed me to get the help that I needed when I needed it.
I felt I did a horrible job, I felt so overwhelmed up there, I felt like I rushed... it wasn't the 200 I thought it would be, but the 100 people there did feel like 200 because of how the room was set up. But I guess I did a great job. Everyone thanked me, especially the president of the counselling group, saying I really portrayed how important it is for people to have access to counselling when they need it, not just when they can afford it, and how I also portrayed how important it can be to have Christian counselling when you're a Christian. I was very relieved to hear that.
I really still feel I could have done better, prepared better, but I'm so glad God still used me.
So that is all that I've been up to this weekend besides work today. Been a long day, and already ready to fall asleep. Ah, I hear the bed calling. :)
Saturday, February 02, 2013
Thank you
I've been trying to write about my punishment today, and about my speaking tonight, but I'm so tired, and it's just not coming out right. :( So tomorrow night after work I promise to write and let you all know what happened. I'm sorry I broke my promise to do it tonight, I'm just so tired, and it's literally not making sense as I write, so I'm heading to bed. Thanks for all the prayers, the talking I did went really well and so many people thanked me for it.
Have a wonderful night. I know I will, with my bed and pillow. :)
Have a wonderful night. I know I will, with my bed and pillow. :)
Quick Prayer... PLEASE!
Hey guys, I need prayer, if anyone has any to offer up.
Later tonight I'll post about maintenance... a punishment... and reconnecting, but for now...
I was asked months ago to speak at a banquet tonight about the son we lost two years ago. They didn't realize when they asked that it was right before the anniversary of when we lost our son, and I felt the cause needed me to speak. I'll explain all the whys of the banquet and why I was asked to speak later tonight, but if you could offer up a prayer. I'm the only one giving a testimony and I'm nervous. It's only 10 minute, but I'll only know a couple of the 200 or so people there. So if you get a minute to pray, that would mean so much to me. Thanks guys!
Later tonight I'll post about maintenance... a punishment... and reconnecting, but for now...
I was asked months ago to speak at a banquet tonight about the son we lost two years ago. They didn't realize when they asked that it was right before the anniversary of when we lost our son, and I felt the cause needed me to speak. I'll explain all the whys of the banquet and why I was asked to speak later tonight, but if you could offer up a prayer. I'm the only one giving a testimony and I'm nervous. It's only 10 minute, but I'll only know a couple of the 200 or so people there. So if you get a minute to pray, that would mean so much to me. Thanks guys!
Friday, February 01, 2013
Open Mouth, Missing Brain - OOOPS
Note to self. When you look online with your husband for a paddle because you can't find one in town, be careful what you do and say!
We were looking at paddles last night, we have been debating back and forth if we should have one or not, and some of the sites in the States charge more for shipping than the item itself. So I've been looking at Canadian sites, and finally found one yesterday that is verified and reasonable priced.
I was showing my husband the 12 inch and 16 inch paddles. He said he thought that the 12' ones would be way too short, and maybe even the 16'. Sooooo,stupid NON THINKING me said I'd get a ruler and let him see how long it actually is. Yep, you read that right. So I went to my craft supplies and went to my scrapbooking bags and pulled out my favourite ruler. It's plastic/rubber blend and I just love it. It's the best ruler I've ever found for staying put on scrapbook paper when needing to draw lines and such. So I took it out to show him how long it was.
He was still unconvinced. So here is where I lost my brain again. I told him he could give it a try out for five swats to see if it seemed long enough to him. REALLY!?!?! Where had all cognisant thought flown to???
So he instructed me to lean over the futon. I thought he'd just do a few trial swings. You know what assuming does... right? In one swoop down came all my layers of padding. And without warning *SNAP* REALLY!?! No warm up? I stood back up and told him what I thought of that... er... or course I did this nicely... *er maybe not so much* Okay, I wasn't rude, but I wasn't miss submissive either.
I got the five spanks alright, followed by more because he really liked the feel of the ruler. I did not expect it to sting so much, but it is one good heavy duty ruler, I should have expected it! Then I couldn't believe his words as I was fighting to stay in place. "FOOT DOWN!" Wow, where did this authoratative person come from? And who let him in the house??? Oh woops, that was me! And I not only let him in, I INVITED him. WOOPS. Doesn't anyone warn you that when you enter DD your brain will not always be involved in the words you speak??? lol
Let's just say my husband was very pleased with the ruler and told me to add it to ourarsenal collection of spanking items. We had a great connection time afterwards. :)
So I guess we now have a ruler in our collection... now what am I going to do for scrapbooking if I can't find a good rubber edged ruler that will stay in place on the page? :( He better hope I can find another one... er... I guess that's... I better hope I can. :)
Oh, and in the end, he agrees, anything longer than the 16' paddles would be a flat out weapon. So glad he didn't make me look at the 18' and 20' ones!
We were looking at paddles last night, we have been debating back and forth if we should have one or not, and some of the sites in the States charge more for shipping than the item itself. So I've been looking at Canadian sites, and finally found one yesterday that is verified and reasonable priced.
I was showing my husband the 12 inch and 16 inch paddles. He said he thought that the 12' ones would be way too short, and maybe even the 16'. Sooooo,
He was still unconvinced. So here is where I lost my brain again. I told him he could give it a try out for five swats to see if it seemed long enough to him. REALLY!?!?! Where had all cognisant thought flown to???
So he instructed me to lean over the futon. I thought he'd just do a few trial swings. You know what assuming does... right? In one swoop down came all my layers of padding. And without warning *SNAP* REALLY!?! No warm up? I stood back up and told him what I thought of that... er... or course I did this nicely... *
I got the five spanks alright, followed by more because he really liked the feel of the ruler. I did not expect it to sting so much, but it is one good heavy duty ruler, I should have expected it! Then I couldn't believe his words as I was fighting to stay in place. "FOOT DOWN!" Wow, where did this authoratative person come from? And who let him in the house??? Oh woops, that was me! And I not only let him in, I INVITED him. WOOPS. Doesn't anyone warn you that when you enter DD your brain will not always be involved in the words you speak??? lol
Let's just say my husband was very pleased with the ruler and told me to add it to our
So I guess we now have a ruler in our collection... now what am I going to do for scrapbooking if I can't find a good rubber edged ruler that will stay in place on the page? :( He better hope I can find another one... er... I guess that's... I better hope I can. :)
Oh, and in the end, he agrees, anything longer than the 16' paddles would be a flat out weapon. So glad he didn't make me look at the 18' and 20' ones!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)